Awful Fan Fiction Plots
Fan fiction is by its very nature a disturbing medium. Its key features are a deep obsession on the part of the author and a frequent willingness to write themselves into a universe they feel is better than their own. Below are plot summaries for some of the more terrible fan fictions we could think of.
Harry Potter – Harry Potter and the Student Loan Debt
After having defeated the evil wizard Voldemort Harry, Ron, and Hermione graduate from Hogwarts academy deeply in debt to the private institution. Financial wizardry has left the economy ruined and the job market is extremely weak. Ron and Harry are forced to become baristas, while Hermione finds a salaried job and becomes insufferable to go hang out with.
Harry does research into a forbidden spell, bankruptus declaritus, which cannot be used on student loan debt. Trying anyway, he is confronted by a behemoth monster industry, with five heads on every leg and five lobbyists for every Congressman. Harry injures the beast and manages to escape but he is forced to go into hiding as an army of Dementors with J.D.s from Harvard and Columbia Law pursue him and start subpoenaing all his records.
The story ends with Ron being convicted and sent to Azkaban after he uses a killing curse on a customer who orders a hot, triple venti, sugar free, nonfat, no foam, extra caramel, one pump white mocha, one pump classic, caramel macchiato with a stir stick on the side.
Dragon Ball Z – Dragon Ball Form Z-40
Saving the planet from alien invasions is not paying the bills so Goku is forced to get a day job as a tax preparer for H&R Block. After a few awkward mishaps, such as Goku accidentally crushing the hands of several clients with his Super Saiyan strength, he settles into the job nicely. Suddenly a black cloud appears over the planet and an evil alien race named the Acrians descend on Earth. Meeting them on a desolate plane Goku prepares to battle, readying his Kamahamaha wave and powering up for 17 commercial breaks. After the last commercial break it is revealed that the evil alien race is actually just seeking to increase their tax write offs through off shore accounting.
Taking them back to the office Goku suggests the Acrians set up a foreign subsidiary company. Once they have established this they can “sell” their own products to their subsidiary and then report those sales as a profit in their foreign subsidiary. Now that they have moved money to their foreign subsidiary they declare those profits are going to stay overseas and not come back to the United States so that they do not have to pay domestic taxes on them.
Goku suggests they incorporate in Ireland, with a 4% tax rate on such business income, and then have the subsidiary create holdings in a country with an even lower tax rate like Bermuda. Now that the Irish subsidiary is paying royalties to another subsidiary in Bermuda the income can be sheltered even more driving the effective tax rate down to .6%.
Goku also recommends that they switch to "last in, first out" accounting for the profits that they can’t shelter this way. Any goods they buy at different prices throughout the year and then sell for profit they can report as being bought at the highest price they bought them for during that year. This minimizes the amount of reported profit and thus drives down the income tax rate on that profit. He continues by putting forward that if they merge their—zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Friends – The One Where New York City is Attacked By Dinosaurs
Joey has an audition for a role in the new sequel to Jurassic Park. During the audition several velociraptors the special effects department had reanimated come loose and tear the cast and crew to shreds. Thinking this is part of the audition, Joey plays dead. This works until he gets a call on his cell phone from the girl he has been seeing. "How you doin'?" he asks the phone before he is gruesomely splayed across the room.
In an attempt to consult a Ouijia board as to the location of the dinosaurs that killed Joey, Phoebe accidentally opens a portal to another dimension and an entire army of T-Rexes, Utahraptors, and Mapusauruses come pouring through. They devour her.
With New York City now under control of a Soviet dinosaur Politburo, the US military is deployed to stop the threat. A B-2 bomber obliterates Chandler and Monica’s apartment with a high ordinance bunker buster after an unfortunate-but-hilarious mix-up where military spotters observe the couple trying on their dinosaur Halloween costumes through the window.
Ross uses his expertise as a paleontologist and becomes the only survivor among the group. The experience scars him and the image of Rachel being separated into eight different meal-sized portions is burned into his mind for the rest of his life. The story ends with him painting his face and becoming Turok: Dinosaur Hunter.