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Auntie SparkNotes: He's A Tramp, But I Love Him

Auntie SparkNotes: He's A Tramp, But I Love Him

Dear Auntie,

I'm in college, and a few weeks back I met a guy at a party. We spent the whole night together stargazing, talking, and dancing. He walked me back to my room at the end of the night and we made out. I could tell he wanted to have sex, but told him no, and he seemed fine with it.

A few days later in class, he was giving me the complete cold shoulder. I tried to talk to him, but he would grunt or ignore me. But then, a few days later, in class he came up to me all smiley and happy and waggly eyebrows. Yeah, I don't know. He's a werewolf. And then the last time I saw him, it was like something straight out of Mean Girls. He ignored me, he kept having little gossip sessions about me with his fraternity brothers (they'd both be pointing at me and looking at me as they talked), and he would drag other girls over and dance with them and make out with them right in front of me and glare at me while he was doing it, as if he was daring me to do something. And at the end of the night, he came downstairs with a girl, saw me, and loudly said to her the exact thing he said to me the first night we spent together. Another douche-y look accompanied this.

So I know he's an asshole and I know he's awful and not worth my time and all that, but I miss him. A lot. And it's not just because he's an attractive guy who's fantastic at dancing and kissing. We have almost everything in common, and the conversations we had back during the lovely time when we got along were amazing, and we really meshed well. He wasn't behaving in the way that most douchey frat guys do when all they want is a new slampiece (trust me, I'm very familiar with this topic). I know that I sound like the gooshiest idiot in the world right now, but I'm really conflicted, and I need advice from someone who's objective and won't be afraid to call me out on my BS.

Man, do you ever. Beginning with the fact that you'd known this guy for all of 24 hours before he started doing his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Douchebag routine—and that since then, he's been Mr. Douchebag every other time you've seen him. Which means that even if every good thing you have to say about him is 100 percent true, those things are only 100 percent true fifty percent of the time.

So if you want some objective, blunt, B.S.-illuminating advice, then let's start with the part where you are desperately pining away for one half of a good person. Maybe even less than one half. And not just that, you're ignoring the fact that the other half is not just not good, but a rancid, festering yuckbag of petty game-playing asshattery that makes your average eighth-grade mean girl look mature by comparison.

There. I SAID IT.

Except of course, you know all this. In fact, I suspect that the whole appeal of this bipolar butthead is that you like him in spite of his obnoxiousness and against your better judgment, and that you're harboring some not-so-secret Disney-fueled fantasies about being the Beauty to his Beast and showing him the meaning of love. (Or, alternately, he's just so cute that you lose all sense of reason every time you gaze into his big blue eyes and perfectly-dimpled chin.) But... but... ugh, no, I'm sorry, this guy is awful. The only decent thing he's done is show you from the get-go just how incredibly fickle and immature he is, and what a mess you'd be diving into if you choose to pursue him. What you see is what you get, and what you've seen is a jerk.


Except let me guess: you still dig him.

Which is why, though I sincerely hope you will please, pleeeeeeeease leave this guy to do his douchebag dance in solitude, I'll offer you one other suggestion—with the understanding that it's a last-ditch option, good for one use only. And that option is to get him alone, look him in the eye, and say, "Dude, what the hell?"... and to continue your relationship with him only under the strict condition that he explain, apologize, and immediately cease any and all douchebaggery.

Which he might.

But he probably won't.

Because he sucks.


But really, this guy is the worst—right? Or wrong? Leave your thoughts in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at
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Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, college, jerks, making out, hnd

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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