Relationships are complicated. One day, you'll think everything is going just fine, and then the next day, everything is going just fine. Hooray! But then later that week your girlfriend shoots you with a harpoon. Look for the warning signs—like the nine examples that follow—and next time, you will know in advance to put on your harpoon repellent.
1. Awkward Around Friends
Your girlfriend always avoids explaining your relationship to her friends. "This is my boyfriend and I love him sooo much!" you expect her to say. "Here's this dude," she says instead. "PTTHTBH," she adds, sticking out her tongue and giving you a thumbs-down. Undeterred, you attempt to put your arm around her, but she chases you away with a garden hose like a common raccoon.
2. Stalky Behavior
Your boyfriend constantly keeps tabs on your interactions with other guys. He's always asking what you're doing right now, often as he bursts out of a storm drain while you're walking down the street. You have not received mail in weeks because he chases off your mailman with a rake every morning. There is a bush in your backyard that is always suspiciously sneezing.
3. Inappropriate Jealousy
Your boyfriend gets all weird and possessive over the tiniest things. If a guy waves at you in the hallway, your boyfriend angrily demands that you not go into hallways anymore. If a dog licks your hand while you're at the park, he resolves to hunt down the dog's girlfriend and make out with it.
You girlfriend never seems to be able to make time for you anymore. "I can't have coffee with you today because my hamster has a fever!" she informs you, crying, but also playing a game on her phone at the same time. Later you walk past Starbucks and there she is, laughing and having coffee with her hamster.
5. Suspicious Texts
You check your boyfriend's phone one day, and you discover with shock that all his recently received texts are like "i cant wait to see you again ;)" and "you have such a beautiful mouth." You confront him, and he reassures you that all of these texts are from his dentist.
6. Never Telling Family About You
You've been dating your girlfriend for a long time, but you've never been to her house, so one day you show up unexpectedly to deliver her a romantic bouquet of roses. Her dad pokes his head out the window. "IT'S ONE OF THEM TEEN-AGERS! AND HE'S GOT FLOWERS! GET MY SHOTGUN, MILDRED!" he bellows.
7. Finding Distractions Too Easily
Sitting together with your girlfriend on a beautiful day, you feel like the moment is perfect, and you lean in to kiss her. "Oh but wait!" she exclaims, wrenching her entire body away from your stupid mouth. "There is a cute bird outside!" You look outside, and the bird isn't even all that cute.
8. Failing To Notice Significant Changes
You dye your hair from blonde to jet black and then meet up with your boyfriend. "What do you think??" you ask, flipping your hair around. "I think that fiat currency is the leash that keeps us bound to our Lizard People overlords! Ron Paul 2016," he says, staring right at you with his big dumb oblivious face.
9. Sudden Changes In Behavior
Your girlfriend always enjoyed playing your homemade D&D modules—Attack Of The Horrible Football-Playing Orcs, Revenge Of The Stupid Mean Orcs of Jock Mountain—but then one day, you notice her making out with like five different football players. You bring it up to her later, and she assures you she was only making sure that everybody else is a worse kisser than you. You are completely satisfied by this.