26 Reasons Tofu Is Awesome
People turn up their noses at the stuff, but why? It's the best thing since sliced bread. Seriously... what's so great about sliced bread, anyway?
- It’s way better than yogurt. (Or anything that tastes like barfola?)
- It’s white, so it goes great with all your accessories. BEFORE LABOR DAY. ONLY BEFORE LABOR DAY.
- Most people think it’s pretty nasty, so nobody will steal your snack.
- If you wrap it in a candy bar, it looks exactly like a candy bar.
- People will think you’re mysterious if you eat it. And they might even call you The Mysterious Tofu Maestro Whiz-Bang! And who doesn't want that on a bumper sticker?
- Unlike half of the busy-bodies at your school, it’s no-drama. A simple, understated, constant, unfaltering thing in your life.
- Ellen DeGeneres likes it! So by liking it, too, you will be one step closer to being exactly like Ellen DeGeneres, the coolest talk show host alive.
- It’s pretty squishy, so with a tofu-stocked fridge, you’re always only seconds away from hosting a tofu-wrestling match in your living room.
- It’s pretty good for you, so if you eat it your parents will probably stop annoying you about eating more health food. (Even if you go straight for the Twinkies after.)
- It’s vegetarian! So if you loooooove animals, none will be harmed with your meal.
- It tastes good with peanut butter. (Though we admit: everything tastes good with peanut butter.)
- Cats hate tofu, so, unlike shrimp or cheese (or the other ENDLESS LIST of human food cats like), your meal will not attract a cat to jump onto your plate and start licking your food.
- Some people say it’s tasteless and that’s bad, but can’t that be good? It’s a versatile friend, that will get along with any food.
- And also, for the haters who say it’s tasteless, isn’t no taste better than FREAKING NASTY TASTE? LOOKIN’ AT YOU, YOGURT.
- It was invented by Zen Buddhist monks. So eating it might make you, like, closer to the universe or your true self or the collective subconscious.
- If you order it, your server might think you’re either Ellen DeGeneres or a Zen Buddhist monk (and maybe you are).
- It will never stain your white t-shirt like ketchup will.
- It never gets stuck in your teeth.
- It’s fun to say TOEEEE FUUUUUUU!
- Tofu has also been proven to be a fantastic pet name.
- It’s killer. (Please tell us you’ve seen this.)
- Like everything else on God's green Earth, it is delicious fried.
- If someone isn’t paying a lot of attention, you can wrap it in a Klondike wrapper and look at the surprised look on their face when they realize they are not eating ice cream.
- If required, it can be hurled through the air and will smack into a white, sloppy mess of goo onto your arch nemesis’ face.
- It’s not one of those things, like Muddy Buddies, that will make you feel like dying if you eat 14 pounds of it. So gorge away. It might just be the next movie/eat-your-feelings snack!
- It's weird. And remember, weird is good.
Do you like tofu? Or are you all like awww mann noooo ewwwww?!