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Top Things We Hate About Sand

Top Things We Hate About Sand

By Janet Manley

Inequality: Some people have sand castles, while other people must make do with sand houses or sand trailers. The next time you see someone adding a turret to their feudal manor, yell "How much energy are you wasting to heat that thing?"

Serenity: Many a raging birthday has been spoiled by a lay Zen garden that lowered guests into an apathetic state of calm. Alternative ending to Les Miserables: Javert surreptitiously delivers a sandscape desk toy to Gavroche, who unwittingly delivers it to Marius and the revolutionaries, who forget all about their troubles, and sit on their barricade of stacked chairs and tables going, "Oooooh, it looks like a tornado!"

Inspiration: Sometimes footprints going one way in the sand are just footprints made by someone who took a shuttle bus back the other direction. Sometimes the reason there is only a half set of seagull tracks is because that seagull has a rounded orange nub instead of a foot, and that one-footed mutant of nature WANTS YOUR FISH AND CHIPS.

Chafage: It is a well-known fact that sand has evolved via natural selection to favor particles best shaped to get into your pants, and rally between your butt cheeks. There is a long list of things we'd rather have down our pants than sand, starting with Skittles, paperclips and wholegrain mustard.

Judgement: You might not see color, but you know who does? Sand. Crazy colored sand layered in mason jars and oil lamps, crying out "I'm a rainbow!" Exactly what is wrong with the world.

The worst condiment: Sometimes your sausage falls in a patch of mint and lo! It is a happy accident that ends with a palate of Pan-Asian spice and crunch. When your sausage lands in sand, however, it is no act of culinary fusion. Rather, you are left to wage a slow battle of attrition on rocky particles that crunch every time you close your mouth.

Traps! Sand is one of the oldest and sneakiest trappers in the book. Find sand devouring Artek the horse in The Neverending Story, ruining games of golf, and foiling the Empire in Space Balls.

The fleeting nature of time: Like sand through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives. DAMN YOU SAND WITH ALL YOUR FLEETINGNESS. You slippery, no-good reminder of the finite nature of our time on this planet, specking the beach in your billions, ramming home the irrelevance of our existence in an ever-changing world that shifts with each crash of a wave on the beach that is our cognition.

BUT WE WILL GIVE YOU THIS, SAND: You are sometimes fun to slide down. That is all.

Is sand the worst or what? Please discuss, providing clear examples to support your argument.

Topics: Life
Tags: life, sand, the worst, serenity, chafing, the neverending story, new age

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About the Author
Janet Manley

Janet is the offspring of a mid-sized kangaroo and a stately gum tree. She grew up under a hole in the ozone layer, which probably means she can survive in outer space. She tweets @janetmanley

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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