If you're anything like me, you may have low wrist esteem. Your wrists just seem so small compared to more alpha members of your sex. But if you're 2% more like me, you wear watches to cover this up. And if you're 5% more like me, you're my clone and I found you, stupid clone.
They give your naked wrists some comfort. Unless they're link watches. Link watches are like the evil foreign slavemasters of your wrists. They rob your wrists of comfort, and your wrists chafe (literally, chafe) under their rule. I don't like link watches.
You can time how long it takes you to do menial things. And you'll get to know yourself so much better! For instance, before you had a watch, did you know that you can clean your ears with a Q-tip in 12.3 seconds? Good job, champ! And I bet you didn't know it took you 2 minutes to unscrew a pickle. Not a pickle jar. A pickle. (It's possible you have too much time on your hands.)
They make you look more professional. Like, uh, that professional guy in Hollywood.
They make your wrist slaps more lethal. Which is something we all ask for daily, let's be honest.
Nobody needs watches. Not when we have phones. What we need is balloon swords. I don't mean that they're like, swords made out of balloons. They're actual sharp swords that just have the floating properties of a huge balloon, so we can fly them into the sky and kill the remaining dragons.
There's never a correct hole. They're either too tight or too loose, but whether or not you get them tight or loose they always slip down. And then you have to do this number:
Turn hand so pinkie is facing the ground.
Turn hand so thumb is facing the ground.
Do 1 and 2 again.
Do again do again do again.
Sometimes, randomly, they lose time. Or they're just on some crazy time from another city or something. Like maybe they booked it to Tokyo while you were sleeping.
Sometimes you lose them. And then you cry.
Do you wear a wristwatch?