Today, Sparklers, we face the greatest threat to our comfortably predictable existence since Winter Break: it’s Spring Break, and it’s hurtling toward us like a meteor of FUN.
Spring Break means playtime—and any game worth playing is a game worth winning (c.f. THE OLYMPICS). Use the below scoring card to rack up points during your week off; we think this challenge should keep you and your besties plenty busy until the warm blanket of algebrometry is returned to you.
Who among you will win the MMXIII Spring Breakiad? Go forth (may the odds be ever in your favor, good luck, snitches get stitches, etc) and find out!
One point per instance in which you casually refer to yourself in the caveman first person. (“Me winning Spring Break one point at a time.”) Alternatively: “thee/thy/thou/thine” wherever possible.
Power up: +25 if no one notices by week’s end that you sound any different than usual.
Convince someone that Ben Franklin really said the following (and was referring to Spring Break when he said it): "I’d rather have planned to do nothing but eat pistachios on the back porch all day than suffer the magnificent indignity of unstructured time unawares.”
Power up: x5 if you hear them repeating it to someone else.
Definitively complete your New Year’s resolution in its entirety in this one week. (Learn to crochet. Read all of Hemingway. Make varsity.)
Power up: x2 for each resolution achieved. Must be able to demonstrate proficiency before a tribunal of three, including one elected expert in the relevant field and excluding your grandma. (I have it on good authority that she thinks you’re great at everything.)
Pen a postcard to your crush outlining your undying love in all its gory, gut-wrenching detail (“but the dreams, my love, they are the worst of it”) and mail it to a random address in South Carolina.
Power up: +50 if you live in South Carolina.
Complete the 10-point category twice and the five-point category once.
Donate yourself hand and foot to your youngest sibling. Whatever they want—popsicles, duck babies, a flying pony, Bieber—it’s your command. At the end of Spring Break, collect a performance review. Most compelling reference wins; half points to runners-up for successful completion, because these kids are going to run you, and that’s still good for something.
Power up: +10 if your reference is a drawing of you, or set to song. (See Instant Win section)
Power up: x2 if you have to default to an older sibling; x5 if you have no siblings and have to default to a parent.
a.) Get yourself onto the local newscast in one of those heartwarming-tale-at-the-end-of-our-segment bits—you know, for conducting a trail of orphaned box turtles across the street, for breaking the regional chicken wing-eating record, or for offering a pro bono glitter macaroni jewelry course at the local preschool.
Power up: +50 for each on-air interview conducted with friends and family who “knew [you] when.”
b.) Go ambidextrous. (Points will be awarded any candidate who writes all schoolwork the week after Spring Break with their New Hand and doesn’t fail the class or cry.)
Power up: x2 if you write with both at the same time.
“Anyway, sirs, thanks again for reversing your decision on my Early Action application. I thought my sister's reference would help you see it my way.”
Are you going to play Spring Breakerbowl with your friends? Better question: are you going to WIN???