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How to Obsess Over a Celebrity (and Do it Right, Jeez)

How to Obsess Over a Celebrity (and Do it Right, Jeez)

Janet Mayer / Splash News

So you seem to have developed a new celebrity crush, and you're wondering, quite reasonably, as any sane person would: how can I take this crush and transform it into an all-out obsession? I mean, there's something impressive about being able to rattle off a celebrity's entire life story at the slightest provocation (impressive, or pathetic. It'll depend largely on your audience. Feel out the room). In any case, I'm glad you asked, because I turn crushes into obsessions quite regularly, and with the grace and finesse of someone who's been at it for a long, long time. (First celebrity crush: David Krumholtz as Bernard from The Santa Clause. If you weren't in love with him, you did something wrong.)

There will be many twists and turns on the road from Point A (mild interest) to Point B (total life-ruining adoration). We all get there eventually. It's a journey everyone must take, and the journey is your own. Without further ado:

Engage in the initial attraction. Maybe you're seeing them in a movie for the first time. Maybe you've seen them before but something just clicked this time around. Either way, it's that moment wherein you behold their glorious presence onscreen, and you punch your friend in the shoulder and whisper-shout, "I THINK I JUST FELL IN LOVE," and your friend goes, "OUCH," and the movie usher asks you to leave, but you put up a fight, and security gets called in, and things take a dark turn when you wind up with a minor felony charge for resisting arrest. (Worth it.)

Talk about them. A LOT. Bring them up in conversation by any means necessary. If, by the end of the first week, your friends aren't literally throwing themselves off the nearest cliff at the mention of your celebrity crush's name, you clearly haven't put in enough effort. Try harder.

Memorize their IMDB and Wikipedia pages. If you don't know their birthday or what their nickname was in high school, what is the point of all this? What are we even doing here? Remember that episode of The Amanda Show where Penelope Taynt had to answer trivia questions to maintain her status as Amanda's number one fan (please)? Do you see what's at stake?

Put your names together. It's very middle school, and—if we're going to go the whole nine yards here—totally necessary. Take my burgeoning one-sided relationship with Aaron Tveit, for instance. Elodie Tveit is probably the most needlessly complicated name ever, so I'm moving right along to our amalgamated mash-up name: Elaaron? Aarodie? Is there something there?

Adjust your online life accordingly. I'm assuming by this point you've already followed them on Twitter, located their fansites, changed your desktop wallpaper, and devoured every interview you could find so that YouTube gets with the program and goes, "Oh! I see you're obsessed with Ryan Gosling. Here, have a video of him breaking up a street fight."

Watch their entire filmography. This is where things get murky, because an actor's early filmography can be a terrible mess of low-budget horror and deep-seated regret. Or maybe you've glommed onto somebody that's been in loads of crime procedurals like Law and Order: SVU or Criminal Minds, which sucks; chances are your celebrity crush is a) the victim, and will be killed, or b) the murderer, and will be doing the slaying. Either way, it's going to give you emotions you're not entirely prepared for, so buckle up.

Amass merchandise. I'm talking T-shirts. I'm talking hats. I'm talking sinister-looking action figures. I'm talking glossy, 8x10 photos of their face papering your walls.

Get one of your friends on the bandwagon. Choose the friend that you think will be most susceptible to your celebrity's good looks and charisma, and proceed to ENSNARE THEM in the claws of obsession. Remember, it's not a true life-ruining infatuation until you bring someone else down with you. And by the time they realize that they don't want this creepy lifestyle thrust upon them, they'll be in too deep.

By this time, you'll probably have laughed, cried, and imploded emotionally, all in the name of your celebrity crush. Congratulations. You've done it. I now declare you obsessed fangirl/fanboy and famous celebrity who isn't currently aware you exist. It's both challenging, and rewarding, but it's mostly just a bucket of incomprehensible emotions. Also, if you ever meet them, you'll probably just collapse into a puddle of feelings and laugh-sob through the entire exchange instead of just asking for a quick photo and an autograph like a normal person. You're welcome.

Who's your celebrity obsession?

Topics: Life
Tags: guides, movies, crushes, celebrities, funny things, obsessions, how to, cute guys, celebs we love

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About the Author

In real life, she goes by the name Courtney Gorter. This is a closely guarded secret, and you're the only one who knows about it, so be cool. You can follow her on Twitter or check out her website if you want, but it's just going to be a lot of complaining.

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