If there’s one good thing about Valentine’s Day, it’s the copious amounts of candy that cover almost every inch of every store. In the name of science and also loneliness and stress, I trooped to the local drugstore for a random sampling of deliciousness. Tomorrow, when the candy sales begin, you’ll be prepared to grab only that which is tasty.
I very wrongly assumed from the packaging that the coconut M&M’s would taste like a glamorous tropical vacation, perfect for forgetting that I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day alone and studying for a buttload of exams. I was very, very wrong. These candies taste like someone mixed together chocolate and sunblock. I ate one and promptly gave the rest of the packet to my friend, who asked what he did to make me hate him so much.
Rating: 2/10. Would not eat again even if Ryan Gosling fed them to me.
Imagine if someone shoved a blue Pixie Stick inside a strawberry Twizzler, except instead of tasting like red wax and broken dreams, the Twizzler actually tasted like cherries. Kazoozles, which I purchased almost entirely because of their name, taste like the aforementioned combination. The candy is definitely up there in the realm of things that should not work but definitely do, and I found myself going back to the store and cleaning out the inventory.
Rating: 10/10. I have no qualms about eating nothing but Kazoozles all day.
Valentine’s Day York Peppermint Patty
Normally I’m against holiday-themed versions of candy. Changing the shape of a classic candy typically throws off the ratio of filling to outer layer, and then everything feels ruined forever. York however nailed it with the cute heart shape and light pink filling that feels festive but doesn’t compromise taste. The mintiness gave a pleasantly cold sensation that reminded me of my heart.
Rating: 6/10. Cute, but mint-flavored candy reminds me of toothpaste.
Valentine’s Day Reese’s
Whenever Reese’s strays away from their perfectly calibrated cup mold, things go horribly wrong. Their Easter eggs irk me, their Christmas trees make me sad, and their Valentine hearts are just wrong. I do not want to feel that much peanut butter fighting its way down my esophagus. It’s not comfortable and my day is already filled with enough pain.
Rating: 4/10. I know they can do better.
Hershey’s Raspberry Flavored Hugs
These nuggets of white chocolate are a little too sweet for my taste. Just three of them left me with an hourlong sugar high. That said, they are delicious and appropriately colored for the holiday. If white chocolate is your thing, I recommend you load up.
Rating: 5/10. I just had two more and I’m bouncing off the walls.
I shared this box with a friend and we agreed this is the perfect candy choice for the indecisive chocolate lover. The treats are good, but not so good you end up regrettably eating the entire box and questioning your life choices. Ideally you’re not picky, because you'll have to try something different with each bite. The almond nougat was my favorite.
Rating: 6/10. Recommended for the adventurous.
Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers
I had never seen strawberry whoppers before and I can confidently say I never want to see them again. They look pretty, pink, and like a five-year-old me’s dream candy, but they taste terrible. Also the texture is weirdly grainy, leading to a gross mush that lingers in your mouth even after you pound six glasses of water.
Rating: 1/10. No. Just no.
To compensate for the terribleness of the strawberry Whoppers I immediately went out and treated myself to some Ferrero Rocher. They are pricey but I don’t care. I would shovel these confections into my face all day, every day if I had the funds. You know a candy is fancy when it has almost five layers of packaging before you can get to the chocolaty, hazelnut, and wafer goodness.
Rating: 10/10. It is literally a ball of Nutella dipped in Nutella covered in hazelnuts and chocolate, which is basically all Nutella is anyway.
What's your favorite Valentine's Day candy?