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PDA Is Not OK: An Open Letter to Everyone Sucking Face in Public Right Now

PDA Is Not OK: An Open Letter to Everyone Sucking Face in Public Right Now

By Mike Bertha

Dear Couples,

Hey, you guys—yeah, YOU guys. Take your hands out of each others' pockets and  listen up: liking another person doesn't give you free reign to assault our eyes with 7-minute hugs and hallway face caresses. Take a five second break from playing tonsil hockey and recognize that everyone within a 20-foot radius is grimacing uncomfortably and trying to avoid eye contact. In case you were previously unaware, your PDA is totally grossing us out.

Valentine's Day is a sensitive time of year for us single folk. We don't all have someone standing outside our window holding a boom box up in the air. We don't all get teddy bears and we don't all get roses. The least you could do is stop making out at your locker. You're going to be late for third period, anyway.

But, really, that's only part of the reason it's a problem. You're not supposed to be showing that kind of affection in public to begin with. It's creepy. You know that couple that aggressively holds hands? Like, you can't tell if they're arm wrestling or trying to press coal into a diamond? If you haven't noticed them, it's probably because you're IN that couple. Stop it. Your hands have got to be soaked with sweat by now.

Also, take heed: public displays of affection are so repulsive that The Lumineers went ahead and wrote an entire song about it. And they played at the Grammys, which basically makes them doctors. Love doctors. Trust them. Listen, what you do on your time is up to you. Alls we're sayin' is that bleachers have underneaths for a reason.

There are exactly three situations in which it's okay to make out in public.

  • One of you just came back from war.
  • You're in a literal fairy tale and someone just slayed a dragon and rescued you from a massive tower.
  • It's the final scene in a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book and you're IN the movie based on the Nicholas Sparks book.

That's it and that's all. If you're not in one of those three situations, SAVE IT.

It's not that we can't relate; we get it. You're so in love that you can't make it another minute without staring longingly into that special someone's sea-green eyes and chewing on their nose. Great. Congrats. It's just that the rest of us are struggling with all of our might to keep our lunches down while you smooch between classes. We didn't buy tickets, you haven't provided ample refreshments, and nobody is starting a slow clap—sorry guys, but we refuse to be the audience for your gross, schmoopie show.

Thanks in advance,

Everyone Not Making Out With Someone Right This Instant

Is PDA one of your pet peeves? Have you ever made out in public? WOULD you? What if Joseph Gordon-Levitt begged you to kiss him in the cafeteria in front of everyone? C'MON, YOU WOULD TOTALLY DO IT.

Topics: Life
Tags: annoying things, kissing, valentine's day, awkward situations, making out, pet peeves, pda, couples, open letters

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