Who would guess that a holiday devoted to love could make so many people act so badly? Maybe it's because nothing makes people crazier than lurve—or its evil twin, unrequited lurve. To observe this magical day of stressed-out people eating chocolate, we present the craziest of the bunch, the likes of which you should pole-vault a Sweethearts display to avoid:
The pitying friend. "Oh, it's totally okay that you're single," your friend says brightly. "Nobody thinks it's sad!" Bu—wha? Who said anything about it being sad? Nothing is more obnoxious than a smug Recently Kissed trying to "comfort" a Never Been Kissed.
The conspiracy theorist. "Valentine's day was invented by the same guy who invented Walmart, so that he could get rid of his overstock of Russell Stover chocolates!" this person yells, before putting a foil-lined colander on his head and jumping into a lake to throw the government off his scent. Yeah, yeah, Valentine's Day is commercialized, but it's not like anyone's forcing conversation hearts down your throat. (Unless you've just been kidnapped by the world's most lovesick terrorist.)
The completist. This person never got over the grade school rule of "one valentine for everyone," and now feels a lifelong obligation to press chocolate on every person who crosses her path on February 14. Not only does this deplete the world's precious glitter glue reserves, but it also leads to major guilt when you can't reciprocate that envelope full of confetti and SweeTarts.
The aggressively okay ex. Occasionally, this person is your ex, but more often it's your recently dumped friend, who wants to show the world how over love she is. Throughout the month of February, she will laugh long and humorlessly at romantic pop song lyrics, then stare into space for seven minutes waiting for you to ask what's so funny. Ironically, this is often the same person who once celebrated weekly anniversaries with her lost love.
The clueless SO. "I was going to buy you something, but then I didn't," is not a valid excuse for doing absolutely nothing for Valentine's Day.
The schmoopies. This unbearably in love couple unglues their lips from each other's faces just long enough to exchange hand-written song lyrics and post 400 photos of their blissful union to Facebook—and that's on a random Tuesday. Valentine's Day will find them going to terrible new heights to prove that they are their generation's Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez (circa last October). If you literally need a hazmat suit to break through their body bond on the way to your locker, you're dealing with schmoopies.
SCHMOOPIES ARE THE WORST. Who would you least like to run into on V-day? Do YOU fall into any of the above categories? Come on, you can tell us.