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Ask Jono: When Do Guys Start Asking Girls Out?

Ask Jono: When Do Guys Start Asking Girls Out?

Dear Jono,

I am a senior in a Catholic high school, and I am generally attracted to the shy, nerdy, introverted boys. This is no big, but they never really show me any responses to my flirtations or my interests. I just generally chalk it up to not interested, give my hurt ego a pep talk, and move on. But at the same time, I'm tired of just waiting for the guys to ask me out. I've done the whole waiting around thing, and it sucks! Now, don't get me wrong—I'm all for flirting to see if the other person shows interest. It has saved me a lot of embarrassment and stress, because the boys end up not being interested, anyway.

My dad says everything changes in college, guys will definitely not be too shy to ask a girl out, and that the problem of guys not asking girls out is just native to Catholic high schoolers. I know my now-ex-boyfriend had feelings for me FOR A YEAR before he asked me out, and my guy friends say that sometimes guys are too shy and want the girl to male the first move. And my friends complain about being put in the friend-zone when they wait for a long time to ask out a female.

I'd rather be chased, but if I have to do the chasing, hey, I've faced scarier things. But does this magically go away in college, or are boys this shy still exist well into adulthood? My dad says to never ask the guy out, but I can only take so much battery to my self-esteem, especially from the guys I end up being attracted to! So, for college and after, can I ask the boys out, or am I doomed to wear a corset and wait for their attention. I hate doing that—it's never worked for me before. Oh, and as a side question, am I doing something wrong when it come to boys? I am an outgoing introverted (that's an oxymoron if I've ever seen one) nerdy spaz with a more masculine identity, tend to be perverted, love the stage yet also love keeping to myself and reading (again, walking contradiction), tend to be cast as a weirdo, and am incredibly sarcastic, loud, and a little too much into Harry Potter—these guys are never into me, so which guys should I go for?

Hey there, Sparkler. I was a Catholic School Kid too, so I get where you're coming from: you have many questions, and you're getting conflicting answers to those questions, and you have no idea what to think about anything, and if you eat the last waffle and put the empty box back in the fridge, you will lie awake at night, wracked with guilt, for the rest of your mortal life. This all pretty much typifies "being Catholic." But in the interest of making this a readable post, I'm going to split those many questions up and answer them independently, ending with the one that is forehead-smackingly obvious (at least to me).

"Am I doing something wrong when it comes to boys?"
I don't think so. It's hard to tell, because you listed about nineteen personality types for yourself, but you wanted to know if there were other types of guys you should go for—by which I assume you mean "guys not like you." Well, short answer: no. Longer answer: nooooo. Longest answer: Maybe this is something you can try sometimes, but I wouldn't change your dating approach just yet.

Look, high school romance is like... uh... Gyrinocheilus aymonieri. It sucks and it is pretty dumb. It's hard enough to get any working relationships out of the high school dating scene, and you at least got one, since you have an ex-boyfriend. It's double mega hard when you're trying to date people who are absolutely nothing like you. You can try to go gallop around the football team on a Quidditch broom and exclaim "Hey dude bros, who wants in on this action!?" but I don't recommend it. Having common ground is pretty much the only way that people ever end up dating in high school, at least in my experience. Keep trying with guys who are at least somewhat like you. (Even if you did win over some strange dude with whom you had nothing in common, what would you even do with him? Throw rocks at sad dogs?)

"For college and after, can I ask the boys out?"
"For college and after??" For now and always, you can ask the boys out. I know your dad says never to ask the guy out, but of course he's going to say that; he is a dad. I'm surprised he didn't tell you that kissing a boy is illegal. The last thing he's going to do is draw you a map to Sexytown (Population: Dudes). But I don't think anybody your age would have a problem with girls asking guys out, and in fact, I am telling girls your age to do this so often that I probably have an FBI file by now. I'm sure there are some guys out there who don't like being asked out, but I know literally zero of them; every single guy I know would love being asked out (assuming he had any interest in the girl at all, anyway). You say you'd rather be chased; everyone likes being chased. However hard it feels for you ladies to ask a dude out, it feels exactly as hard for a lot of guys to do the same, and there's no good reason they have to ask and you have to twiddle your thumbs and wait.

"Does this magically go away in college?"
A THOUSAND TIMES YES. Well, ten times yes. Uh... several times maybe.

See, the whole reason we need to have things like national anti-bullying campaigns and It Gets Better and such is that high school is practically a prison situation. You guys are almost literally trapped there. College is the same idea as high school, but nobody has to be there; everyone's there voluntarily, in classes they chose, and they are often wearing pajamas, and instead of living with their moms, they live with a bunch of frequently insane strangers. It's similar except that it is—or at least can be—fun. And almost every dude I know approached college thinking "Finally, I will slip the surly bonds of Earth, and date a billion ladies." They all saw it as a chance to escape the dorky confines of their high school selves and start dating for real.

So yes, it changes, but I won't mislead you into thinking that all inhibition magically goes away; nerdy guys are still nerdy guys, prone to going "EEP, A GIRL," and diving into a giant wedding cake if they see you approaching. They will need your help from time to time. The upside is that, in college, helping them along is easier; you can offer some totally innocuous non-date to see where things lead ("Are you going to lunch?" is a much less suggestive question when everyone heads to lunch in the same cafeteria anyway). You will still have to communicate that you're interested, but many guys are eager to finally be more dateable than a cactus, and the dating scene should feel somewhat less awful than what you're dealing with right now.

Topics: Life
Tags: college, dating, crushes, high school, advice, ask jono

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