Valentine's Day is upon us and while your sweetheart may be planning an intimate evening out replete with roses, candy, and dinner at a fancy restaurant, you're ready to bail on him. But stay true to the holiday spirit and make this breakup as romantic as a first kiss in the Eiffel Tower. Catching your soon-to-be ex off guard is as thoughtful as it is funny. Here are some options for how to break the sad news in a holiday-appropriate fashion.
1. Skywriting: Nothing says "YOU'RE DUMPED" in an extravagantly expensive way like puffy words written in clouds. (Note: Have you ever actually seen skywriting? Seems like this only exists in movies and comic strips.)
2. Chocolates: Before you end it, hand over a box of assorted candy. As Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolate. I'm dumping you, Jenny." This isn’t 100% mean, since after you break his heart with chocolates, he will never want to eat sweets again because it’s too emotionally painful. You’re like the world’s best nutritionist!
3. Musically: Music is always romantic. "In Your Eyes" worked for John Cusack's character in that 80's movie Say Anything.
But flip this idea. Use the power of music for the purposes of heartbreak. Find an appropriate song to express yourself via your iPod and a boombox—something like Ben Folds Five's "Song for the Dumped" or anything by Skrillex. Then let the lyrics (or electro-squeals) do your work, while you update your OKCupid page.
4. Lawn art: Using the blank canvas of a lawn is a fun way to ask someone to prom. It also works in reverse. Get some clippers and go all Edward Scissorhands on his parents' topiary, spelling out, “Let’s just be awkward friends, okay?” in greenery. Or just do some pruning. Either way, your sneaking around their property at night will probably impart the message that you shouldn't see each other anymore.
5. Diamonds: Yes, boys like bright, sparkly things, too. A pair of stud earrings will go a long way towards assuaging his pain—the pain you'll be inflicting with your "time to see other people speech."
6. Edible underwear: Again, for him. Presenting this to him is confusing enough that you'll be able to escape with a "so long, chump" and nary a whimper from him.
7. Coupon book: Romantic coupon books offer vouchers for "Free Kisses" and whatnot, but your breakup coupon book includes slips offering "Complete silence forever" and "1 Free Ignored Text."
8. Build-a-Bear: You always wanted him to get his act together and send you something thoughtful for your birthday—like a stuffed animal with a cute message stitched on it. Now it's your turn to be thoughtful. We suggest a simple, romantic message of, "No more!"
9. Gondola ride: A private boat road steered by a man in stereotypically outlandish Venetian clothing is the perfect place to break bad news. Plus, it'll give him time to get all his tears out in relative private. See also: Hot-air balloon ride.
10. Say it with flowers: The loving attention you demonstrate in twisting rose stems together to spell out "Get lost" may undermine your meaning, but he'll feel better knowing you cared enough to break into his home to leave this on his bed.
11. Baked goods: Think fortune cookies, but instead of a hard cookie, it's a cupcake. And instead of a generic fortune, it's a very specific and targeted breakup letter baked in. Yummy!
12. On a bicycle built for three: At first your boyfriend will enjoy the outdoor romance, and the extra pedal power from the mysterious stranger is a huge plus. But then you drop subtle hints that the tagalong is more than a friend. If your ex becomes so angry and pouty that he refuses to bike, you and new-boy can do the work and bike him home. Everyone wins!
What's the most romantic way you broke someone's heart?