Welcome to the 2013 Grammy Awards, hosted by famous 1990's rapper and current star of something called NCIS: Los Angeles, LL Cool J. I'm coming to you live from my New York City apartment in my Grammy appropriate pajama pants ready to celebrate the very best in music and John Mayer. Let's get started!
8:00: Taylor Swift starts off the Grammys with a performance that can best be described as Alice in Wonderland meets a mad scientist's bad dream meets a poorly planned circus.
8:04: Taylor Swift humblebrags performing at the Grammys mid-song in a, let's say, British accent. Taylor Swift: making history!
8:06: LL Cool J: "We are never ever getting back together, but the truth is at the Grammys we always get back together and that's what makes this music's biggest night." 8 people semi-applaud. C'mon people, don't make him look like a LL Fool J.
8:17: Wow. Are you ready for a real transcript of a CBS Cares commercial: "Wanna do something special for your woman on Valentine's Day? Examine yourself for testicular cancer. Why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels? CBS Cares." 10 out of 10 for the message and -1,000 out of 10 for the joke.
8:19: J-Lo puts her pants on one leg at a time. And then stops.
8:21: Adele wins "Best Pop Solo Performance!" I like Adele; she's always like, "Another one of these?! I just came for the party." Feel bad that my future wife Carly Rae Jepsen didn't get the win.
8:31: Maroon 5 just bragged in a commercial about not playing "small venues" anymore. Class act.
8:42: Miguel and Wiz Khalifa present the Grammy for "Best Country Solo Performance" to Carrie Underwood for Blown Away. It's her second award of the night since she also won the coveted, "Only Song I Recognized From all the Nominees" award. She seems genuinely touched and in perfect country music style says the word "golly" during her acceptance speech.
8:49: CBS: Home of your parents' favorite programming since 1927.
8:49: LL Cool J just asked everyone to follow him on Twitter. He wasn't being ironic. #2013
8:50: fun. wins the Grammy for "Song of the Year!" From their acceptance speech: "I don't know what I was thinking writing the chorus of this song. If this is in HD everyone can see our faces and we are not very young." The "actually funny Grammy joke count" finally moved to one. Your move, LL Cool J.
8:53: Johnny Depp comes out looking like a semi-retired drifter to announce Mumford & Sons.
8:59: My DVR just reminded me that a new episode of The Walking Dead is about to record. Grammys!!! (shakes fist at sky.)
9:02: Kinda wish this "Good Day Sunshine" orange juice commercial jingle was nominated for a Grammy. Is the orange juice version better than the original? Maybe. I like The Beatles, but I also enjoy vitamin c.
9:03: Ellen and Beyonce give us our second "Actually funny Grammy joke" of the night. Fun pairing as they introduce Justin Timberlake who performs an outstanding old-school, black and white edition of Suit and Tie.
9:03: Twitter trips over itself to make an instagram joke over JT's performance. Take a breath, Twitter. Okay, you got me. I'm just jealous I didn't think of an instagram joke.
9:12: Frank Ocean's Channel Orange wins the Grammy for "Best Urban Contemporary Album." Chris Brown won the "fewest people clapping for me when they announced my name" award.
9:21: The Black Keys win the Grammy for "Best Rock Performance!" I would comment on the Maroon 5/Alicia Keys performance, but I was trying to find a Black Keys link and didn't want to turn off Lonely Boy. There may have been some light-to-atrocious dancing involved.
9:29: Kelly Clarkson wins the Grammy for "Best Vocal Album" and not only gives us our third joke funny joke of the night, but also gives us an amazingly endearing and complimentary speech. I give her acceptance speech a 9/10. Would have been a 10 if she'd have said, "Wow, I'm so out of breath. I feel like (and here she would launch into song) I can breathe for the first time."
9:36: LL Cool J comes out to introduce Rihanna by babbling on about Twitter and saying the word hashtag an estimated 10 billion times. We get it, LL Cool J; you're in love with Twitter. He does make our fourth "actually funny" joke of the night (his first and probably last) by saying, "And right now one of the biggest stars on planet earth and possibly elsewhere... Rihanna."
9:42: Nice to see young, unheralded underdogs like Jay-Z, Kanye West, and Frank Ocean win the Grammy for "Rap/Sung Collaboration."
9:43: "I would like to thank the swap meet for his hat" - Jay-Z with the QUOTE OF THE NIGHT
9:52: Seriously. Wow. The Black Keys just straight up owned with the performance of the night (which also gave us this), followed by LL Cool J coming out and surprisingly NOT talking about Twitter. Did they have an argument?
9:55: Hold the phone, Kelly Clarkson throws her hat in the ring for best performance of the night with a heartwarming rendition of Carole King's You Make Me Feel. I feel bad that I used to mock American Idol hosts who would just say that every performance was "amazing." Speaking of amazing Kelly Clarkson covers...
10:07: Bruno Mars is a born performer, but when Sting started singing all I heard was, "Lappa woah to duwap oooo... walking on the moon." Pronunciate, Sting!
10:15: That "Two Things at Once" AT&T commercial with the little kid dancing has to be one of the funniest advertisements in the past couple of years. Give that kid a GRAMMY.
10:19: One of the most polarizing bands of the year, The Lumineers perform. Personally, I'm a huge fan. I love how Neyla Pekarek is constantly smiling during all of their performances. Possibly because she responded to a Craigslist ad three years ago and now, boom, she's at the Grammys.
10:26: Katy Perry comes out to present the Grammy award for "Best New Artist" and once again makes presenting an award all about her. Here's the official transcript: Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Fun.! Katy Perry is to conceited award presenting as fun. is to glorious award-receiving. On the bright side thanks to the "I really gotta pee" quip, we're up to 6 actually funny jokes at the Grammys!
10:40: Haven't heard a LL Cool J/Twitter reference in awhile. I know I was making fun of him about it, but I don't know; I kind of hope they're doing okay. I didn't want them to break up.
10:41: @jenstatsky: And we all wondered at the exact same moment, "Wait. How does Zach Braff *not* have a band?" #Grammys
10:43: Prince comes out dressed normally by Prince standards, but insane by normal human being standards, and stoically says, "These are the nominees for record of the year." That's it? I guess we're lucky we got that much. Hey Prince, I know being different is kind of your bag, but take off your sunglasses! You're indoors! Respect the GRAMMYS!
Anyway, Gotye and Kimbra win for Somebody That I Used to Know and Kimbra decides to accept the award dressed as a promiscuous version of Tinkerbell. Unintentionally funny moment when Gotye referred to Prince as "That guy with the cane."
10:55: @peoplemagazine: I secretly hope the music starts playing so Gotye can yell, "But you didn't have to cut me off!" during his acceptance speech.
11:07: A truly beautiful performance of one of my FAVORITE songs.
11:14: Dave Holmes (NY Magazine's Vulture): My sympathies go out to everyone who's trying to explain Frank Ocean to their parents right now.
11:16: Mumford & Sons win album of the year and, fearing the wrath of Adele, decide to use their time on stage to kiss the ring of the queen. My joy for Mumford & Sons quickly turns to fear as CBS informs me that the LL Cool J performance they've been promoting all show is up next. I thought that was more of a warning? Like one of those "If you kids don't behave, Santa Clause isn't visiting our house this year"-type things.
11:25: LL Cool J is definitely a better rapper than he is a host. Although I'm probably a better rapper than LL Cool J is a host. Regardless, I enjoyed his performance and surprisingly I thought the Grammy's were a lot of fun this year.
All 210 minutes of the 2013 Grammys are in the books. Here are my final thoughts:
My Grammy Winners: Jay-Z, fun., Kelly Clarkson, Black Keys, Frank Ocean, Justin Timberlake, Carrie Underwood
My Grammy Losers: LL Cool J (hosting), Katy Perry's personality
Song that I'll Probably Download Because I watched the Grammys: Kelly Clarkson's Stronger.
Best Dressed: Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, Carrie Underwood, Katy (ugh) Perry
Worst Dressed: Taylor Swift (performance), Kimbra
Funniest: Jay-Z, fun.
Best Performance: The Black Keys, Levon Helm tribute of The Weight, Kelly Clarkson
What was your favorite Grammy performance? How do you think LL Cool J did as the host? Did you enjoy Taylor Swift's performance?