Auntie SparkNotes: I'm On an Anti-Fungal Diet; How Do I Tell People?
My problem is concerning special diets and dealing with people. I've been eating gluten free by necessity for four years, and for the most part, people have stopped being weird about it. However, because I'm still super prone to yeast infections and have what is basically jock itch on one of my breasts, my doctor is having me follow the Candida diet, which allows me to eat meat and veggies and not much else. For three months. I'm THRILLED (not).
I guess my question is, how do I tell people about this in social settings? I know that it's my own personal business and I'm not obligated to tell anyone, but people get very curious and confused when I go to a party or gathering and say I can't drink or eat any of the food. I'm looking for a better way than saying "I can't eat any sugar or starch" and then answering the inevitable whys with, "I have boob fungus." I also have a hard time if I tell people I'm on a diet, because I'm really tiny already, I know I'm going to lose a little more weight in the next few months due to the diet, and I don't need people thinking I'm a closet anorexic.
But... but... but how can you possibly not want to take advantage of this incredible, historic opportunity to use the words "boob fungus" in casual conversation? I mean, that's a party-starter of a phrase if I ever heard one. In the time it's taken you to read this, someone has probably already claimed it as a tumblr username. THAT'S HOW COOL IT IS.
But if you really want an explanation that doesn't include the words "boob fungus" (although once again, I cannot imagine why you would! Because boob fungus! Hahahaha!), then feel free to use one or all of the following replies when people ask why you aren't eating.
"I have a sensitivity to certain foods and have to follow a specific nutrition plan for the next three months to try and get my body back on track. Doctor's orders."
"I have a sensitivity to certain foods, and— hey, is that Aaron making out with someone's cat?"
"It's a medical thing, it would take forever to explain, and it's not that exciting, trust me. So, what's new with you?"
Friend: Why can't you eat or drink anything?
You: Why do you smell like a diaper full of refried beans and paint thinner?
You: DON'T SPEAK TO ME, YOU PIMPLE-TONGUED BUTT GOBLIN.
"I LIKE MICE!"
Honestly, anything goes. Have fun with it, gloss it over, explain the whole thing in the driest of unintelligible medical terms, or say the words "yeast infection" and laugh silently to yourself while everyone squirms and grimaces. And if you're looking to shut down any side-eye or speculation about your weight, try using the phrase "medically-specified nutrition plan"—it gets the point across while avoiding all the weird baggage that accompanies the word "diet." But really, darling, you seem so confident and self-possessed that whether or however you choose to explain your situation, I'm sure you'll feel great about it, no matter what.
P.S. BOOB FUNGUS.
Have you ever had boob fungus... or another medical issue you'd rather not discuss? Share your stories in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Want more info about how this column works? Click for the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.