Do you fancy the quiet type or the charismatic type? Are you all about the size of a man's royalty checks, or his nostrils?
Four Beatles. One you. Answer these 6 questions as honestly as possible to find out which of the Fab Four you'll be most compatible with for a night of psychedelic magic on February 14th.
1. The word that best describes your dream Valentine is:
d. Pshh, whatever dude. It's a bloody marvelous day outside!
2. Which of the following sentiments is the most romantic to you?
a. Love is priceless. But islands aren't, and I just bought three of them. Wanna see?
b. Everything that happens has a purpose. Our love is destiny; just as my lonely death in a Tibetan mountaintop cave will be destiny if you ever break up with me, so don't pls.
c. M'lady, I love you so much that I just built a Love TARDIS so I can go back and spend the whole weekend with you AGAIN. Eight days a week isn't even enough.
d. Wouldn't it be great if we were like, sea urchins, yeah? Then we could poke each other with our little pokers, and just float around and hug all afternoon!
3. On a first date, your biggest turn-on is:
a. A natural charmer who smiles into your very soul, and picks up the tab at the end of the night
b. A good listener who's easy on the eyes (me-oww)
c. A brainy guy who leads you on a safari of compelling, occasionally-rambling conversations about life, love, and the universe
d. A date who's not afraid to show you how happy he is just to be there with you
4. On the other hand, your biggest turn-off is:
a. When the guy "accidentally" drops his wallet, spilling his secret credit cards, Member of The British Empire medal, and uncensored photos from the Queen's private Skinny Dipping Pond
b. When the guy just won't open up and show you who he is below that roguish mustache
c. When the guy's kind of a pretentious wanker and keeps cutting you off to "illuminate you."
d. When you come back from the bathroom to find the guy stuffing his pockets with complimentary dinner rolls and soy sauce packets
5. Your date ends in a massive, possibly irreconcilable fight with your Valentine. What does he do?
a. He finds a new date, starts a new band, and tries in vain to distance himself from you for the rest of his obscenely public life. But he never forgets.
b. He returns to his bedroom to record a 7-hour ballad of teardrops falling on his sitar, then mails the tape to you after rubbing it in "[his] musk" overnight.
c. He takes a soul-searching expedition to India, sends you a postcard of him and Elton John high-fiving atop a handsome elephant, returns home a humbler man, and finally asks if you want to try an open relationship with him and the elephant.
d. He apologizes, and gets by with a little help from his friends.
6. Of the following animals, the sexiest is definitely:
b. Blue jay
Baby, You're A Rich Man—Rich with DATE KNOWLEDGE, that is!
Have your answers handy. Your Valentine Beatle is…
(please play this Ringo solo for dramatic effect)
If you answered mostly A's (except for question #4)—Your Valentine Beatle is… Sir Paul McCartney!
Congrats! You rolled the most handsome and successful living Beatle, and you can be sure he'll show you a stonking great time in London's most exclusive, expensive meat pie kitchens. You are a traditionalist who believes chivalry should never die, and Sir Paul will not disappoint. Just be prepared to share that special feeling with other adoring fans; there's no place on Earth where they don't know Paul's face or name, and you can bet there's no place on Earth where he'll turn away the attention.
For best date results: Make him work to impress you. Take a phone call "from your ex" right in the middle of dinner and ask why Paul's Member of the British Empire medal isn't as big as Dame Judi Dench's.
If you answered mostly B's (except for question #4)—Your Valentine Beatle is… George Harrison!
You dig the dark and quiet type, don't you—the brooding artist, who believes he must balance all the world's pain between his gently-weeping guitar and gently-creeping mustache? Whelp, Georgie Boy is your man! The most somber and inwardly tortured Beatle creates that quiet, sometimes frightening power behind so many famous tunes of love and loss, and your relationship may be characterized by similar emotional trepidation. Try to make him feel safe and comfortable with you and, without pushing too hard, encourage him to talk about his emotions before they explode into one of the greatest songs ever written.
For best date results: Wear all black and brush up on your conversational Gaudiya Vaishnavism.
If you answered mostly C's (except for question #4)—Your Valentine Beatle is… John Lennon!
You've got your work cut out for you, honey. John is no easy man to talk to, but if you're able to keep up with him he might just blow your freakin' mind. Unlike George, John is a verbose genius, and he will not hesitate to explain in detail why his ideas are better than yours or his emotions more artistically valid. The challenge is matching his energy without making him feel threatened, encouraging him to stop talking, act on his big ideas, and not just sit around in bed making origami jellyfish "for peace" all weekend.
For best date results: suggest a restaurant where you can draw on the table with crayons, and wear an "alternative" hat that is actually a shoe, or something.
If you answered mostly D's (except for question #4)—Your Valentine Beatle is… Ringo Starr!
The same attributes that make Ringo the least-respected Beatle also make him the most dateable. Ringo is whimsical, easygoing, and kind. At peak popularity, John, Paul, and George could have hired pretty much any other drummer in the entire world, but they stuck with Ringo, because he was such a chill bro. Some remember the moderately-competent drummer as the luckiest man in Britain, and they may be right. For, someday, the big schnoz from Liverpool will probably outlive McCartney, making Ringo Starr the Last Beatle Standing. Watch out, world.
For best date results: Match his down-to-Earth attitude and treat him like a dude you just met in a bathroom line. That's basically how he got famous, anyway.
If your answers are all helter skelter—Your Valentine Beatle is Sir George Henry Martin!
The legendary record producer and so-called "Fifth Beatle" knows better than anyone what it takes to keep a collective of severely contradictory egos working in harmony. No matter what you want from a Valentine (and you're clearly kinda confused), Sir George will serve you with a smile and help you work through those erratic hormonal impulses.
For best date results: Get him talking about his grandkids through as many courses of all-you-can-eat sushi as possible. The geezer's 87 years old, and probably loaded.
If your answer to question #4 was the same as your answers to most of the other questions, your Valentine Beatle is... Disappointment!
To spare you the heartbreak of having a bad Beatle date, we suggest you waive your quiz results altogether and court another Valentine instead. We hear Ted Nugent is eager and available again this year.
Who is your Valentine Beatle? How will you spend your first date?