Do NOT Instagram These 10 Things
Put down your phone and back away from the oozing burrito: there are things in this world that just can't be made into shareable art, no matter how many gauzy heart filters you slap on top. Remember, dear Instagram addict, that not every image needs to last forever. Here are 10 other things you should think twice about Instagramming:
1. Mac and cheese. Lumpy neon barf or lumpy bluish barf? I know, lumpy beige barf! Those are your filter options when you're dealing with cheesy noodle pics.
2. An old person's hands. Also falling into the category of art cliché: rusty pickup truck in thicket of weeds, raindrops on window, closeup of girl's eye with smeary mascara.
3. Any sleeping human. Nothing says creepy like holding a phone over someone's slack, sleeping face, then deciding whether Hefe or Mayfair will best convey the pathos of their sleepy dreamtime. And eventually you're going to drop your phone right on someone's eye and probably kill them. (It could happen.)
4. People you don't actually know. Stop taking photos of hot guys who appear to be looking at you, just so that they'll show up on your feed, hashtag "thanksforthememories." Though we commend your sneakiness.
5. Your own face, looking like you don't know you're being photographed. No matter how tricky you get with the angle, how far you stretch your arm, how nonchalant you make your expression, we all know that deep, moody pic is actually a highly calculated selfie.
6. Conspicuous consumption. Aaaaalright, #richkidsofinstagram. Nobody cares that you spent four figures on calamari and are now shopping for a golden helicopter. If you find yourself typing such hashtags as "firstBMW" or "kanyeshouse," we want you to turn in your Insta-badge instantly.
7. A baby. We all know what a baby looks like. It looks like a baby. Adding a grainy pink glow just makes it looks like a weird time-traveling baby, and time travel would be completely wasted on your average infant.
8. Your cat dressed as Gandalf. Just kidding, we demand that you Instagram this immediately. It's what photo sharing was made for: we want zero time delay between picture being taken and picture being delivered to our delighted eyeballs.
9. Anyone doing duckface. Stop feeding the beast.
10. Your speedometer. So coooool, you're speeding! And using one hand to take a photo of it! And half your brain to choose a filter for it! And...pull over and call us back now, we fear for your life.
Are you guilty of any of these Instagram sins?