Chapter Thirteen: The Secret Riddle
Better Title: The Adventures of Lil’ Voldemort!
Harry has another memory/flashback/cryptic lesson with Dumbledore. Most of the chapter focuses on the creepy, scary eleven-year-old Tom Riddle who was spending his childhood at a Muggle orphanage.
Younger Dumbledore visits Riddle and the meeting is one of the best scenes of the book. Lil’ Voldy is as creepy as The Shining twins mixed with Stewie Griffin and while we know Dumbledore can handle himself, there’s always the chance that Voldy will snap and make Dumbledore explode like a pinata of organs.
Lil’ Voldy has been up to no good, causing mischief and killing strangers and keeping “trophies” all without the help of a magic wand. He even hacks into the mind of the mighty Dumbledore using his POWER GLOWER!
Dumbledore sees that this kid is messed up and wants to help him turn away from the Dark Side of the Force. There’s a lot of Star Warsy stuff here, and that’s not a terrible thing.
HARRY: So then you brought Tom Riddle to Hogwarts?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes. He needed a good home where he could thrive and learn.
HARRY: Right...but if you left him at the orphanage, he wouldn’t learn magic...or get a wand...or learn about Horcruxes. So even if he was evil and magical, we would be more powerful and knowledgeable, and thus we would be able to thwart him easily.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, yes. But...
HARRY: So all this is your fault. You created the monster.
HARRY: Thanks for getting my mom and dad killed, jerk. Now how’s about you give Gryffindor a million points before I slap that beard jewelry off your chin?
GINNY: Bring tissues to the winter dance, because everyone’s saying...YOU’LL BAWL!
DUMBLEDORE: How did you get in here?
Chapter Fourteen: Felix Felicis
Better Title: Hot, Hot Smoochin’
Ginny is caught kissing Dean Thomas and it’s a huge deal because:
1. Harry has strong (yet secret) feelings for Ginny.
2. Ron yells at his sister for acting like a slut.
3. Ginny defends her actions and says everyone else has kissed someone but Ron.
4. Ron gets angry thinking about Hermione snogging Viktor Krum.
5. Meanwhile Luna isn’t kissing anyone despite the fact that she is the best and Harry should see her greatness instead of being blinded by the light of the lamp.
I’m sure we can all relate to this epic drama of the misunderstood and the never-been-kissed. Ron likes Hermione, Hermione likes Ron, but Ron doesn’t really know what to do, and Hermione doesn’t know either, all the while Harry is burdened with his forbidden lamp love. This is the stuff reality shows are made of!
And think how worse it would be if these kids had text and/or instant messaging. It would only be more awkwardly confusing.
RON: U there?
HERMIONE: What up?
HERMIONE: Sorry. Wrong message.
HERMIONE: Sent wrong message.
HERMIONE: LOL was for other.
RON: What’s tonight?
RON: U there?
RON: How are you?
RON: Do you want jelly beans? Have lots!
HERMIONE: Give me sex.
RON: :) :) :) !!!!!!!!!!
HERMIONE: Stupid autocorrect. Meant six. I’d like six jelly beans.
With all the budding romance who has time for Quidditch? Well...everyone has time for Quidditch, apparently. Before the game against Slytherin, Ron is freaking out with nerves. To help him relax, Harry gives him the luck potion, Felix Felicis. (But not really.) This gives Ron the courage he needs to not only help win the game, but later he makes out with Lavender Brown!
Is this a story about good vs. evil, or an episode of One Tree Hill?!??!
(Note: I’ve never seen One Tree Hill, and I’m not even sure that was a show. May have been a band or retirement community.)
HARRY: You had a good night?
RON: Heh. I guess I did, didn’t I?
HARRY: Lavender seems nice.
RON: She is. And kissing is a lot of fun.
HARRY: Did you use tongue?
RON: No. I don’t want to get her pregnant.
HARRY: Good call.
RON: So when are you and Luna going to go out?
RON: You and Luna. You should date her. She’s perfect for you.
RON: You two are both fun, creative, and original. Plus, she’s pretty.
HARRY: I’m not really into the fun/creative type.
RON: Right now Luna is in the courtyard building a life-sized dragon puppet.
HARRY: Where’s Ginny?
RON: She’s seeing how fast she can count to three. That's her new hobby.
HARRY: Is she fast?
RON: Not really. Takes about four seconds.
Chapter Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow
Better Title: So Close, Yet So Far
This isn’t fair.
In this chapter Harry comes very, very close to falling madly in love with Luna and thus making the world a perfect place! But instead of falling in love with her, like he should, he worries about saving the world and stopping Draco.
Why doesn’t he marry Luna!?! Why?
J.K. Rowling is teasing us in this chapter as Harry asks Luna on a date! A real date! Sure, they agree to only go to Slughorn’s party as friends, but it’s a love date in my book. (Because I wrote "love date" in my copy of the book.)
Harry and Luna are perfect together! Their children would be amazing! Their grandchildren would be even more amazing! And their great-grandchildren would be evil, because sometimes evil appears in powerful wizarding dynasties.
It’s upsetting that Harry doesn’t kiss Luna’s face in this chapter. It’s perhaps this frustrating, nonexistent romance that makes me hate Ginny. If there was no Luna to compare her too, Ginny might seem like a perfectly adequate mate. But we’ve all seen the awesomeness that it Luna Lovegood. And next to her, what other Hogwarts student can compare? (Put your damn hand down, Cho.)
Oh, and Draco and Snape are up to something.
HARRY: I had a lovely time, Luna.
LUNA: Me too.
HARRY: Will you marry me?
ROBOCOP: Here I am! I can marry you two crazy kids.
BATMAN: And I’m going to drive you to your wedding reception...at Jurassic Park. But hold on, because first we’re going to Stephenie Meyer’s house and arrest her for crimes against literature.
GINNY: My hobby is napkins.
HARRY: I don’t even know what that means, but who cares? I’m not marrying you. I’m marrying my true love, Luna Lovegood!
NARRATOR: And their love was so powerful that Voldemort’s heart grew three sizes and Christmas was saved!
House Bergstein School Announcements
Students wishing to go to on the field trip to the Zone of Chambers must bring their safety masks to the main office for calibration.
The pipe organ team defeated Rockwell’s Institute for Floating and Un-Horses by a score of 8 to Love. The victory parade will be held today in the hallway...when you least expect it.
That Golden Compass girl is visiting this week. Don’t be a bully like last time, when you all called her “Comp-ASS girl.” (Though it was pretty funny.)
Tickets for the Valentine’s Dance are not on sale, but have been hidden throughout the world. Find them before it’s too late. First Hint: Rope.
The Door to Nightmares has been reopened after the clown infestation was dealt with.
Finish this sentence: Ducks aren’t really ducks, because ______.
Update your knees.
Design some boats.