Monopoly Is Ruined
When life gives you the option between picking a stupid dumb cat or a very terrific robot, you do not screw up that decision. You pick the robot. You pick the robot every time. Even if the cat has an adorable name and was part of your family since you were five, you still pick the robot.
Robots are greater than cats.
It’s simple math. They don’t teach you that law in school because it’s instinctual. Just as a bird knows how to weave twigs into a nest, so to do we know that robots are better than cats.
Robots are greater than cats. And yet the world screwed up...big time.
We told you last month that Hasbro was letting Facebook users vote on which classic Monopoly piece to omit from the game, and which new piece should be added. Among the new options were a helicopter, a cat, a robot, and a few others.
As we could all guess, the iron piece got killed. Good. The iron piece is silly and one of the worst pieces in the game.
And what special new token will replace the iron?
I give up. The cat? Seriously? People chose the cat over the robot? Did they not see the robot? Did they perhaps fear that the robot was real and would attack? Did they make this decision out of spite? Did they pick it to be ironic?
Whatever. Who the hell cares? I don’t. The world wants a cat? Fine. Have a damn cat. Have twenty cats. Let’s make the game nothing but cats. I’m not playing it.
If I sound angry, it’s only because I’m angry.
We had the chance to introduce robots into the world of Monopoly but instead we’re tossing in another pet. We already have the Scottie dog. Isn’t that enough domesticated beasts for one business-themed board game? Guess not.
To those who picked the cat over the robot, I have written you (and Hasbro) the following letter.
Dear Straight-Up Jerks:
I don’t like you or how you think. Robots are better and you’re only lying to yourself if you suggest otherwise. While I support democratic solutions, this decision is wrong and should be overturned because I am correct. You know I am correct because I’m using the internet to share my opinion. That’s the sign of correctness. I will also use the CAPS LOCK button in a few sentences, so you know this letter is written with every ounce of sincerity.
I assume when not picking cats above robots, you campaign for restaurants to sell celery instead of milkshakes and you probably hate adventure. I also assume you are a criminal and I have called the police.
ROBOTS ARE BETTER THAN CATS!
The world is made more interesting with varying opinions, but on this matter, we must all agree.
Because you are stupid, and have made Monopoly stupider, I will no longer play Monopoly. Instead, I will play games that are good, such as Risk, Connect Four, or a game I invented called Is It A Raisin?
I hate you for denying me a robot, and I hope one day you realize the huge mistake you’ve made. This will ruin not only our country, heritage, and culture, but it will also ruin any chance of making peace with the robot army once the computers become self-aware. (By my estimates, this will happen in August of 2014.)
When those humans who survive the Robot War of 2014 (and again in 2019) are living in shadows and underground, eating only their own tears for nourishment, there will be little time to play Monopoly. Hope you're happy.
By the way, though I am angry with your decision, you are still invited to my Roller Bowling party next weekend. (WE’RE GETTING SO MUCH SODA!) But please don’t mention cats or robots, or else I’ll spend the entire party crying, and for once, there will be a real reason behind my tears.
The bowling alley doesn’t yet know that we’re bringing roller skates, so be cool about this.