You locked eyes across a crowded Zumba studio, and thought to yourself, "Is that boy wearing a bolero?" Still, he had cute eyes, and floppy hair, and he was a closet Lizzie McGuire fan just like you. You flirted at school and he left you an inflatable teddy bear in your locker, which you thought was adorbs, until you were like: "How did he get it in there? Did he slide it in flat and then inflate it from outside? Did he break into my locker? Is he a genius or is he creepin'?" You put your crush on ice and began to evaluate the signs, looking for tell-tale red creep-flags:
- He got you your favorite flowers, but you were like, “barbecue matches in a coffee tin aren’t my favorite flowers.”
- He gave you a sweater, but it was decorated with rhinestones and GPS locator pins.
- He asked your father’s permission to take you out, and you thought to yourself: “Wolverine isn’t my dad.”
- He sang a song to you while strumming a guitar, but strictly speaking, it was crying, not singing, and he was strumming a plate of pancakes, not a guitar.
- He stood outside your window one night holding a boombox on his shoulders, blasting Anthony Robbins’ book on tape of “Unleash the Power Within.”
- There is a year of his life that he refuses to talk about, except to refer to it in passing as "my time in the dark clouds."
- He said your eyes were “pretty like Advil liquid gel capsules.”
- He offered to “tutor” you, and showed up in pantaloons and a velvet peplum vest.
- He said he read between the lines, and saw emptiness in your heart.
- He told you he likes to think outside the square-dance.
- He has a pet rock. And an estranged boulder.
How can you tell if he's a no-gooder for-a-you-a?