Disney Princesses: 10 Years Later
It’s never “happily ever after.” While these Disney Princesses faced adversity and evil to find their one true loves, maybe a few years later things turned boring...or worse. That doesn't stop some people, like this woman, from living in a Disney Princess world. But before you wish for a fairytale life, examine the following as we look ten years into the future.
The Little Mermaid...10 Years Later
PRINCE ERIC: Hey. I’m home.
ARIEL: Shhhh! You’re so loud! Stop screaming!
ERIC: I’m not screaming. I’m talking at a normal volume.
ERIC: Listen, just because you spent your childhood underwater where sound is muffled, doesn’t mean I have to spend the rest of my life shushing up. And...why are you eating a sock?
ARIEL: This isn’t a sock; it’s a mooky-hooky! It’s for keeping your tongue warm when you eat ice cream. That bird told me.
ERIC: Dammit, Ariel! Stop listening to birds!
ARIEL: Leave my friends out of this!
ERIC: Speaking of your friends, why do they always need to sing?
SEBASTIAN: [singing from the kitchen] Above the water, that’s where I goes! Above the water, they have tacos!
ERIC: And I’m not paying Flounder’s music school tuition this month.
ARIEL: But he’s got real talent!
ERIC: Talent isn’t blowing into a shell while slapping a clam. He needs to get a real degree. Something he can actually use.
ARIEL: Stop trying to be the boss of me and my friends!
[A ten year old girl walks into the room]
ARIEL: Hi honey.
LISA: Hey mom. Are you guys fighting?
ERIC: No. It’s OK. What’s up?
LISA: Well, I kinda want to go to Mars.
LISA: I just really think Mars is great. I want to go there. [sings] I want to be...where the red dust is. I want to go, where the air is thin-ner! I want to fly in a...what’s it called?....SPACE-SHIIIIIIP!
ERIC: Please stop singing. That doesn’t even rhyme.
ARIEL: You’re not going to Mars.
LISA: I hate you! I hate both of you! [runs off to sign evil contract in exchange for ticket to Mars]
ARIEL: She’s in a mood.
ERIC: Can’t imagine where she gets it from...
SEBASTIAN: [singing from kitchen] Deee-vorce da girl!
Aladdin...10 Years Later
ALADDIN: I already told you, I couldn’t wish for more wishes!
JASMINE: So? You couldn’t wish for more genies? He didn’t say you couldn’t wish for more genies!
ALADDIN: I guess I’m just an idiot! Is that what you want to hear?
JASMINE: Democracy is spreading across our land and soon all monarchies will be overthrown! The people are angry! We need to do something or else we’ll be out on the street.
ALADDIN: Oh, and people who live on the streets are all just a bunch of street rats, right? RIGHT?!
JASMINE: I don’t like you when you’re like this! [covers her face, crying]
ALADDIN: Don’t you dare close your eyes! You’re always closing your eyes. That doesn’t help a damn thing!
GENIE: Hey-oh! Wanna see my impression of Christopher Walken?
ALADDIN: Who the hell is that? We have no idea who these people are that you’re impersonating!
Snow White...10 Years Later
SNOW WHITE: Hi.
SNOW WHITE: So...
SNOW WHITE: Busy day?
PRINCE: Not really.
SNOW WHITE: The mail came. Mike and Molly season 1 came from Netflix.
SNOW WHITE: Want to watch Mike and Molly?
SNOW WHITE: OK.
Beauty and the Beast...10 Years Later
BELLE: Must you? Is there no other way?
BEAST: Sorry. With the economy the way it is, we have to make cutbacks.
BELLE: Maybe I can get a job teaching in town?
BEAST: It still won’t be enough, Belle-y Button. We still have lawyer bills from Gaston’s family’s lawsuit piling up. And my medical bills are through the roof since doctors had to properly arrange my organs after the transformation. There’s just not enough cash coming in.
BEAST: There’s no other way.
BEAST: Chip? Can you come in here, please? We need to talk about your future with the company....
CHIP: Hiya, boss! What’s up?
BEAST: Oh lord, this is gonna be tough...
Sleeping Beauty...10 Years Later
PRINCE PHILLIP: Why! Why did you break my heart!?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I never meant for it to happen. You were out of town, and your friend Mark came over to fix the sink. One thing lead to another...
PRINCE: What happened? Tell me!
SLEEPING BEAUTY: I slept with Mark! Is that what you want to hear? Fine! I slept with him. I was on the couch, and I fell asleep. And I slept right next to him.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: And the part that’s really gonna eat you up? I liked it! I liked sleeping with him. He’s a good sleeper! I slept so hard...for three entire days! In fact, after I woke up, I even napped with him for an hour.
PRINCE: I don’t know who you are anymore.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: You never knew who I was! You barely knew me when we got married!
PRINCE: It was true love!
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh yeah? What’s my name?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: You’re so in love with me? Then what’s my name, hot shot?
PRINCE: Um...Ssss....I think it’s....Sall? Or is it some sort of spice? Cinnamon? Paprika?
SLEEPING BEAUTY: Aurora, you jerk. My name is Aurora.
Cinderella...10 Years Later
CINDERELLA: Hello, dear.
PRINCE CHARMING: Hello. Um...what a lovely dress. Is that a dress?
CINDERELLA: Yes. Well, I’m not sure if it’s a dress. The mice made it. I can’t tell if it’s a dress or a towel.
PRINCE CHARMING: Hmm...maybe you should buy your clothes. Whadya think?
CINDERELLA: I know. I know. But, they work so hard. And that fat one is adorable.
PRINCE CHARMING: It smells like garbage and there’s a urine stain on the back.
CINDERELLA: Gus calls that “dress juice” and then he giggles. They went through all the trouble of making it...
PRINCE CHARMING: We’re meeting dignitaries from South America. Maybe you should wear something...else? Can your Fairy Godmother bippity something up?
CINDERELLA: I haven’t spoken to her since the night I first danced with you. Starting to think she was just some homeless witch...
PRINCE CHARMING: Hmm. Let’s go. Maybe I can explain your dress...
CINDERELLA: Let me grab the purse they made.
PRINCE CHARMING: Dear, that’s just a clump of mouse hair held together with feces.
CINDERELLA: Yeah. Yeah, it is. [sigh]
Would you still want a fairytale life?