Dan has given us a lot. He's given us hundreds of reasons to celebrate every day, and even a horse named Scoundrel. There are WAY more than 25 reasons to celebrate Dan Bergstein. But I'm going to do my best to limit it to 25.
1. Blogging Twilight. This has to go on the list. It's not even an option. There are so many things that have sprung from this series. Bella's truck is a vampire, muffins, werewolves with jetpacks... more than half of Sparknotes culture comes from this alone. Thank you, Dan.
2. Awesome T-shirt. Links don't like me. Links hate me. Therefore, I'm just going to copy and paste the URL. All curses and hate mail should be short and to the point. I have to go through a lot of it.
3. My favorite Dan Bergstein poem. Read it. Then read it again. Memorize it! Tattoo it to your forehead! This, ladies and gentlemen, is pure awesomesauce.
Defining the Walrus By Daniel A. Bergstein
Is a walrus an elephant that lives in the sea?
That would make the most sense to me.
Or is it a bird or some kind of bee?
Mayhap it's a fish or a tropical tree.
It could be a dog or it could be a cow.
Whatever it is, I need to know now.
I just killed a walrus. Well actually, a few.
And I'm not sure which heaven to mail the ghosts to.
4. Batman Road! It actually exists in Zionsville, PA. Thanks for telling me that, Dan. I now have a life goal to move there.
5. I take showers at night. Thank you for giving me a reason to boost my self-confidence, Dan.
6. Outdoor spaghetti is now my favorite meal. The only thing it's missing is the werewolves.
7. The sarcasm hand. Ahhhh... the sarcasm hand. *raises hand* Bella is a really fun, entertaining character. I never, ever procrastinate on my homework. Math class is so much fun. *raises hand still higher* And Sparknotes is sooooooo boring.
8. Blogging Harry Potter. The magic didn't end after Twilight! Blogging Harry Potter is Dan Bergstein's other genius work! Aragog will never be the same. In fact, Harry Potter will never be the same. We all know what happened in those deleted scenes.
9. Nobody will ever look at lamps the same way again. I have a lamp in my bedroom with a sign on it that says "Ginny Weasley". Yes, I'm a Ginny fan. But that doesn't make it any less hilarious.
10. Thanks to Dan, I'm sure someone on Sparknotes has been inspired to build us some great jetpacks. We can all look forward to them. If you are that inspired soul, hurry up! Dan and I are impatient.
11. House Bergstein has made Hogwarts that much more fun, exciting, and possibly dangerous. And of course, Dan has also found a way to give us homework while still making it fun. So let's have a round of applause for Professor Bergstein! (And while we're on the subject, we need to approach Dan about getting the chocolate pool fixed. The tiger did some serious damage.)
12. 'Dactyl Dan is going to be elected president. When this happens we can all enjoy Magic O'Clock with all of it's wonder. I can't wait for every bone to be named after Star Wars characters!
13. He is the first man to find out what really happens in the girl's locker room. Fellow female Sparklers, he caught us. The locker room is a sugary, soft enviroment filled with baby bunnies and salad bars. It's totally not a sweaty, stinky place where girls attack each other over boys.
What's that? No, my hand isn't raised. I'm just, um, scratching my ear. That's all. Hehehe... moving on.
14. When Dan becomes president, every six years, guys will get unicorns and girls will get monster trucks. Dan thinks it isn't fair that girls get the unicorns, and I agree. It's time for the guys to feel the wrath of these sharp-horned beasts.
15. "Trees are just Earth's boogers." There's your Dan "The Thermos" Bergstein quote for the day, folks. (Remember when he was giving everyone nick names? Neither do I. I wasn't there. Just call me Toph "Missed-Out-On-Something-Totally-Awesome" Fan. Or Soupy. That works too.)
17. "Don't stress about prom. Remember: Prom is just morp spelled backwords." I decided to be extra generous and give you two quotes. And take a load off your mind as you start stressing for prom already. (I don't stress about anything until approximately two seconds before the event. I guess I can't really suggest the method, because all that stress crammed into two seconds results in white hair, white eyebrows, and a white tongue.)
18. Dan got us all rubber socks for Boxing Day Eve. He's so thoughtful. The only problem is, Scoundrel ate one of mine. And you can't wear a rubber sock with a normal sock!
*sniffles* Dan, can I have another rubber sock?
19. 13/13/13 is going to be a spooky date. Dan says so.
20. Legend of Korra season 2 is coming out soon! Er wait, that doesn't have anything to do with Dan Bergstein. Unless he watches Legend of Korra... but I doubt it. Um... Dan has spies in the trees!
21. He does NaNoWriMo! For those who don't know, it stands for National Novel Writing Month. Basically you have to write a 50,000 word novel in November. The fact that Dan does it too makes me that much more excited. In fact, I kind of want to find his account right now...
22. According to Dan, we should both break up and not break up at the same time. That means he has great faith in our magical abilities!
23. He taught us all how to write middle case letters. I'm still having trouble with the Q. It's a funky one.
24. Someday, I'm going to name my kid Optimus Beyonce. I'm going to do it. You guys will see. Then she'll become a famous pop singer and Optimus will become the most popular girls' name ever. Just watch me.
25. I have never once read a Dan post and not laughed.
Thank you, Dan, for making my world so much brighter. You are a true genius of your craft, and a hero worthy of me idolizing. (I sure hope I spelled that right) You are my life now.
Originally published on February 4, 2013.