Search Menu

Everything's Awesome: An Open Letter to Dan Bergstein

Everything's Awesome: An Open Letter to Dan Bergstein

Dear Dan,

How are things with you? I am fine.

Thanks for writing that post about the trouble with everything. You were so right about so many things. (I’m sorry about the citrus Starburst—that one’s on me. I’m the one asking for those.)

As it so happens, I was just sitting around thinking about how awesome things are (like, overwhelming, shock-and-awe-gushing-unchecked-from-all-corners-awesome) and so I decided I should write you this letter.

Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking.


The curvature of the earth.
Remember when we thought the earth was a plate? That was hilarious. We were so cute. Now that we know better, we’ve got access to awesome things like time zones, and those Peeping Tom Russians can’t see what we’ve got going on in Alaska all day long like they could when we were on the plate.

Champagne grapes.
A recent poll I conducted amongst the people sitting next to me on the subway indicated that these adorable, bead-sized grapes are the number one leading reason for living.

Twitter’s good too, but a picture is worth a gajillion characters, and you don’t even need to speak the same language to understand things like this.

Edible sky-glitter. DAYS OFF SCHOOL. Snow is the triple threat.

Surprise cash money.
No clue where it came from, but it’s in your pocket, and there are trans-national laws governing the ownership of pocket surprises. To the candy shoppe!

Air travel.
With decent enough success we manage to get metal ships up into the air, whereupon we eat some snax, jet over the surface of the plate-planet, and sail back down again somewhere else. What the…! And we do this on the daily, like it’s nothing. Do not deny me the awesome of air travel.

…to which I add the gentle reminder that we seem to have been to the moon. We left the planet through the escape hatch and went next door where there is NO AIR and NO WATER, and A LOT OF OTHER THINGS ARE ALSO MISSING. I mean, I personally haven’t been, but Team Earth has. And that’s awesome.

So, all those metal airships? We made them, by the way. So yes, it’s (1) jigsaw puzzles, (2) legoes, (3) pies, and (4) SPACE SHIPS. And they mostly work, most of the time. Win, win, win!

Coffee comes from beans. Tofu comes from beans. Chocolate comes from beans. Babies come from beans. Magical fruit, indeed.

A see-through solid made out of a handful of small rocks? A couple hundred years ago there’d be a trial by fire for that kind of achievement.

The internet.
Love it. Don’t have a damn clue how it works. But clearly someone does, and bless her, she goes right on pedaling the Internet Machine 24/7 to keep it going. And thusly we have email. Amazing.

They cut things and they fix them. *Faints*

Laura, I think you should know that Dan just so happens to LOVE lasers. He even has a website named after them. MAYBE YOU TWO ARE FRENEMY SOULMATES! Sparklers, what are more awesomely awesome things that you just can't get enough of?

Topics: Life, The Internets
Tags: dan bergstein, awesome things, funny things, funny lists, things we love

Write your own comment!