Chapter Ten: The House of Gaunt
Better Title: Riddle Riddles
At first you read this chapter and assume: Hey, it’s a normal chapter about Harry and the gang learning magic and having adventures. And then you get a few pages in and realize it’s one big flashback detailing the origin of Voldemort (or Voldemort’s parents, to be specific).
I could explain the history of Voldemort, and how his mother was a weirdo and his father was tricked. I could tell you all about the magic ring and the Gaunts and the Slytherins and the prophecy and wizards and that stuff and the other stuff. But I won’t.
You know the story. The most important part of this flashback is learning that Voldemort ended up in an orphanage and came from a scary, evil family. His childhood was probably horrid and had someone given him a prescription-strength hug every week he would have became a delightful young man, like Dean Thomas or any other forgetful, mediocre character.
This is why you should always hug powerful wizards. Wait...that doesn’t sound right. Oh well. Too late to delete it. Can someone write a fanfiction story about a version of Tom Riddle who was raised by nice, decent people?
Waiting for someone to scream, “Duh, Dan! That fanfiction already exists and was written about 289383483 trillion times.”
HERMIONE: Harry, I don’t think you should be using that Potions book with the answers in it.
HARRY: Why not?
HERMIONE: You don’t know who wrote it. What if the magic is evil?
HARRY: It’s a Potions book, Herms. It’s not a big deal.
HERMIONE: Yes, but it could be evil. Evil may lurk in that book and you could unleash the evil into ---
HARRY: How’s about you shut the hell up. First, this is a textbook for high school kids. I’m sure the potions in here aren’t exactly nuclear secrets, even with the Half-Blood Prince’s editorial. Second, I’m Harry freaking Potter. I’m the boy who lived! I’m the dude in that prophecy. I’m supposed to face off against evil. That’s my thing. Ron’s the friendly one. You’re the smart one. And I’m the one who kills evil. And Ginny...apparently and suddenly...is the jokey one.
GINNY: How does a half-giant plot mathematical equations? On a Ha-grid!!!! BOOM!
Chapter Eleven: Hermione’s Helping Hand
Better Title: Turn Me Ron
Harry and Ron are hot now. I guess Harry was always attractive and popular, but now Ron is getting in on the action. All the girls seem to love these guys and it’s easy to see why. Harry is powerful, famous, and charming. And Ron is...Harry’s friend.
Harry holds Quidditch tryouts and a bunch of people show up. Lavender Brown flirts with Ron, and it’s an adorable, awkward moment that’s reminiscent of my high school life. But instead of girls flirting with me, they just ignored me. Ha...those girls...always playing (impossibly) hard to get. Heh.
I wish my best friend in high school was a famous, prophetic wizard. Instead I had Todd. Todd wasn’t a wizard. He once got a concussion after running into a basketball pole.
Among the new team members are Ginny (she’s the new Chaser) and Ron (who’s the new Keeper). Hermione uses magic to ensure Ron’s place on the team, because she’s a rule-breaking criminal! CRIMINAL!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione have a chat with Hagrid, who forgives the kids for not taking his class. But there’s bad news. Aragog is dying.
Well, at least Tonks and both the Weasley twins are still alive...and always will be...forever. Same goes for Mad Eye and Lion King’s dad.
HARRY: Um...hello, Aragog.
HARRY: I was just talking with Hagrid and he said you’re not feeling well.
ARAGOG: Hagrid said that?
HARRY: Yeah. I just wanted to see if ---
ARAGOG: I’m fine! [cough] Hagrid doesn’t know [cough] what he’s talking about. He’s a wizard, and wizard’s don’t know a damn thing. They don’t teach you anything up at the fancy school for losers. You probably don’t [cough] even know what Germany is, do you, Haircut?
HARRY: Germany is when your body is infected with many germs.
ARAGOG: [leans in close to whisper] I hope to God that whatever illness I have, it’s contagious, because I’m gonna Germany all over your head. [COUGH!]
GINNY: Dumbledore’s selling his used magic artifacts, but bring your money because things are Ex-Pensieve. BOOM!
ARAGOG: A’ight. That one was good. You can stay. [cough]
Chapter Twelve: Silver and Opals
Better Title: Death Necklace!!!!
Dumbledore isn’t around much these days, because he’s off on mysterious missions of adventure. So Harry hasn’t learned more about Voldemort. He has, however, lifted Ron off the ground using magic he learned from the Half-Blood Prince. Harry realizes this is the same spell that his dad used on Snape as a kid, so maybe this Half-Blood Prince was really James Potter!!!!
But it’s not. It’s Snape. Spoiler.
During a trip to Hogsmeade, Mundungus tries to sell some Black family heirlooms and Harry gets pissed. But Mundungus zaps away before Harry can properly murder him. Tonks shows up. (Hi, Tonks!)
The chapter becomes super-scary and mysterious when Katie Bell nearly dies after touching a Death Necklace. This necklace is part of an elaborate Death Eater plan that we’ll learn about later, but for now let’s just enjoy the idea of a DEATH NECKLACE!
After reading this, did you become suspicious of all jewlery? Haha..me either. That would be totally silly and weird. Yep. I sure didn’t duct tape oven mitts to my hands for weeks out of fear of DEATH JEWELRY. And anyone who says otherwise is a filthy, rotten liar!
Katie is in bad shape. She doesn’t die, but she’s had better days. Everyone freaks out, and Harry is quick to suspect Draco. But Draco was having detention at the time, so it couldn’t have been him. It’s probably Flitwick’s fault.
HARRY: Dumbledore’s missing, and Mundungus is selling my stuff, and then Katie had a necklace that tried to kill her, and I floated Ron, and my foster parents are abusive, and I love a lamp, and Aragog’s real sick, and evil is rising, and I don’t know what Germany is, and I’m only a teenager but the entire world is depending on me, and, and, and...
HOLDEN CAULFIELD: You think you have problems? I got kicked out of school.
HOLDEN: And it sucked.
GINNY: How does a Patronus make babies? With a Ma-tronus! BOOM!
HOLDEN: You’re a phony.
House Bergstein School Announcements
Tickets are on sale for the annual Singles Valentine’s Day Midnight Brunch. You don’t need to bring a date, but everyone must bring photo of their crush so we can do all sorts of voodoo on it.
The wallpaper in Room 147 isn’t trying to be creepy, even if its constant staring and drooling may seem that way.
Congratulations to the girls swim team for defeating Cronkite’s School of Eye-Magic and Electricity. It wasn’t easy swimming in a pool of pudding, and even though we still can’t find Tracy, we’re all proud of you.
According to the crystal ball, there will be a Snow Day in three weeks. Also according to the crystal ball, one of you will marry a guy named Herman.
Figure out the secret regarding your teeth.
Read chapter 10 through 14 of something.
Write an essay using only the words of Taylor Swift.