Your NEW New Year's Resolutions for 2013
“Make ‘em and break ‘em,” that’s our motto here at SparkLife (and we're not just referring to Chelsea Dagger's horrifying, Pinterest-inspired collection of hand-painted, hard-boiled egg "friends.") Nope, we’re referring to the New Year’s Resolutions we all penned just four weeks ago, back when our naïve hearts were full of hope and our minds were in a catatonic state thanks to the astonishing amount of holiday cookies we consumed.
If you’re anything like us, you may be realizing that your resolutions are perhaps a little too grandiose for even, say, Batman to accomplish. But does that mean we’re going to give up on our lofty goals? To bow our heads and admit defeat? To fall, weeping, to the floor, where we shall shove desperate handfuls of peanut M&MS into our loser-y mouths? Definitely to the last part, and a resounding NO! to the first two. So here are a few ways you might consider modifying your resolutions, if, like us, you aimed just a tad too high:
The resolution: I resolve to lose 178 pounds in 2 months by utilizing the following methods:
* I will eat only cayenne pepper, raw egg smoothies, and Nerds (the candy, not the dweeby people, unless cannibalism is scientifically proved to make you skinny, in which case I will consider it).
* I will run a total of 37 miles each and every day, and I will run those miles backward. Backward burns more calories.
* I will do 100 sit-ups every time someone within my hearing range uses the word “I.” Since my hearing range is that of a jungle cat with supersonic ears, I will be doing a lot of sit-ups.
The modification: I resolve to eat healthier, to exercise at least three times a week, and to gain a boatload of body confidence. I’ll steer clear of fad diets, Cheeto binges, double cheeseburgers (except maybe on Saturdays), and the ice cream aisle. I’ll eat some vegetables every day, skip the Pop Tart and make a fruit smoothie for breakfast, and quit loading up on empty calories. I’ll find a workout I can stand—whether it’s running around the block at a shockingly slow speed, dancin’ crazy to that one TSwfit song that features SKRILLEX, or challenging my 98-year-old neighbor to a push-up contest. When I look in the mirror, I’ll notice positive changes and my best features, and I’ll stop beating myself up over physical flaws. In a few months, I’ll be more toned, more energetic, and epically more confident. And I will still have the hearing range of a supersonic jungle cat.
The resolution: I resolve to find myself a boy/girlfriend, fall in love, and get engaged within 3 weeks by using the subsequent methods:
* I will break every farm-animal-related law known to man, steal a dozen miniature ponies, and ride into homeroom on a homemade sleigh loudly proclaiming, “IT IS I, THE FUTURE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. YOU MAY NOW BEGIN FIGHTING FOR THE CHANCE TO KISS MY HAND.”
* I will hire a G4 jet to sky-write the spectacularly creepy lyrics to Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” above the houses of all of my crushes. No one can resist the words “I wish you could touch me with the colors of your life.”
* I will stand outside the mall for 10 hours every Saturday saying “Call me. Call me. Call me. Call me,” to every member of the opposite sex that passes within 15 yards of me. Except for the mall cops. I learned the hard way that they aren’t very flirtatious.
* I will plaster myself upon every available-looking person I encounter and win his/her heart using only a subtle and inexplicable mix of winks, hip gyrations, bird calls, and Free Slushie coupons.
The modification: I will tone down the desperation and work on FALLING IN LOVE WITH MYSELF (keep an eye out for the soon-to-be-released Clay Aiken single of the same name). I will try new things, join new clubs, meet new people, and smile while I’m doing it. I’ll figure out what interests me, what I value, and what I want to accomplish this year. I’ll be more outgoing, more positive, less judgmental, and less insecure. I’ll realize how insanely, ridiculously, stupendously awesome I am, and soon enough, the rest of the world will notice too. I will also write and record a duet with Clay Aiken. Why? Because I’m a baaaaad momma jomma, that’s why.
The resolution: I resolve to spend less time on SparkLife.
The modification: HAVE YOU TAKEN LEAVE OF YOUR MIND?! DON'T BE A MORON, MORON! Rephrase that sentence to look a lot more like this one: I resolve to SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT ON SPARKLIFE, THE END. There. Now that’s a good lookin’ resolution.
Have you modified any of your resolutions now that we're a month into 2013?
PS. This post is an encore presentation from back in the day; I wrote it before I was Sparkitor! If you recognize it from 2010, you are a hardcore, true-blue Sparkler who probably possesses a photographic memory. I will be sending you your SparkLife Veteran's Trophy (it's made entirely of Cheez-its bonded together by my sweat) shortly. In the meantime, enjoy how much funnier I was before I moved to New York and the public transit system robbed me of my sense of humor.