Quiz: Are You a Jealous Friend?
Meeting your best friend's new friends or SO can range from awesome (now you have new friends, too!) to traumatic (what if she now has no time to hang out with meeeee?!). But unless your friend's new SO is literally staring directly at you while spitting peanut shells at a random baby, it's best to keep an open mind. Can you do that...or are you a jealous friend? Take this quiz to find out!
1. Your nickname for your best friend's new SO is:
a. The lucky guy
b. Flavor of the week
c. Bizarro me
d. The homewrecker
2. When you finally learn the name of the girl your best friend befriended at soccer camp, you:
a. Do nothing.
b. Google her name, along with search terms like "drunk and disorderly," "identity thief," and "fire of mysterious origins." Your friend is waaaay too trusting to think of doing this herself.
c. Friend her on Facebook even though you've never met her. You need to find out the goods ASAP.
d. Find her on Twitter, then send cryptic, one-word replies ("Barf." "What?" "mmmmkaayyy") to all her updates.
3. When your friend asks you to meet her new boyfriend, you suggest as your first outing together:
a. A coffee to break the ice, followed by a movie in case you've got nothing to talk about.
b. A meetup with the new guy...just the two of you. That way you can vet him for how flirtatious he is in her absence.
c. A highly competitive game of devil ball, a game you invented and excel at.
d. Just when your friend's given up on you ever agreeing to meet him, you invite yourself along on their romantic one-month anniversary picnic. You eat all the cheese, and then sit between them Instagramming your feet. (#needmorecheese)
4. You're hanging out with your bestie and the new SO. When she gets up to go the bathroom, you turn to him and say:
a. "So I hear you play lacrosse. What's that like?"
b. "I notice you ordered a hamburger. You know Katie's a vegetarian, right?"
c. "Katie's great, right? Quick, tell me your three favorite things about her! Then it's my turn."
d. Nothing. You play with your phone until your friend returns.
5. Now the new boyfriend gets up to use the bathroom. You turn to your best friend and say:
a. "He seems to really like you."
b. "Doesn't he seem a little...serial killer to you?"
c. "Could be worse."
d. "Are you effing serious?"
You look to like. You figure if someone's good enough for your awesome friend, they're probably good enough for you. This attitude will serve you well, so long as you keep your eyes open for weirdo warning signs. The benefit of the doubt does not extend to new friends whose political views mimic those of your 90-year-old grandmother, or a new boyfriend who likes to yell "SPRING BREAK!" in a crowded room, in the hopes that somebody will reflexively lift her shirt.
Your friend could be dating Abraham Lincoln, and you'd say he wasn't tall enough. She could have befriended The Rock, and you'd say he doesn't have enough muscles. She could be hanging with Benedict Cumberbatch, and you'd say his cheekbones weren't sufficiently high. Because nobody is good enough for your friend but you! Though your heart may be in the right place, it's time to loosen your grip. You're less a jealous friend than a friend whose fierce loyalty burns with the heat of the twin suns of Tatooine.
Yeah, you trust your friend's friends, but you're not taking your eyes off of them, either. You take your status as Alpha friend very seriously, and all noobs will have to work for your approval. Watch out, lest you alienate your friend's new friends, or, worse yet, their new SO. Why not make them your allies? If that reasoning doesn't work for you, try this: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Before you know it, you may learn to like them.
You, my friend, are a jealous friend. Seeing someone who isn't you tagged into your bestie's Facebook photos throws you into a Hulk-like rage, and you've toyed with the idea of talking her into the world's worst perm, in the hopes of rendering her invisible to all prospective dates. If your friendship's going to last forever, you'll have to get used to the idea of sharing her. Otherwise you'll be like Steinbeck's Lennie, crushing your fluffy, soft friendship to death in your needy vice grip.
So, tell us: are you a jealous friend?