Search Menu

Break Up

Break Up

Break up. Do it. If you’re looking for a sign, this is it. Break up right now. Valentine’s Day is still weeks away, so now is the time. Waiting only makes it worse. You’re in highschool or college, and that’s the best time to break up. So break up.

You won’t find a list of reasons to break up. That’s not what this article is about. Nor will you find helpful advice on ways to break up. We’re working on those articles too. Stay tuned.

But for now, break up.

It’s OK. It’s fine to break up. And it could make everything wonderful. Besides, what else were you going to do today?

Now, you may be thinking that this article is insensitive to your relationship and that I should be more considerate of your feelings. Then again, you came to a website looking for advice from a stranger who spent multiple years of his career blogging Twilight and writing Batman jokes. So that’s that.

Did you break up yet?

If you break up, I will draw you a picture of a walrus trying desperately to stand up on his hind-flippers at the break of dawn.


I already held up my end of the deal.

So break up.

Break up and then break up again before the end of the week.

Break up in a crazy, over-the-top phone call so legendary that Adele will write a song about it.

Break up over a game of pinball.

Break up in mid-makeout.

Whatever. How you do it is up to you. Just do it.

If the person you’re with doesn’t understand what’s happening and puts up a fight, send them this article. Then send them to my house. I’ll handle it. Don’t worry. First things first, break up.

That said, if you’re in a loving and special relationship with the perfect match, disregard everything written above. Why did you even click this if you’re in a great relationship?

This article is only for those who secretly already know their relationship is doomed.

So if you clicked this...then maybe your relationship is already secretly doomed? OH NO! But that’s OK. You know why? Because you can break up.

Break up.

And after you break up, don’t date jerks. Simple.

The End

Will you take Dan’s advice or will you yell at him for being an insensitive dweeb?

Topics: Life
Tags: relationships, breakups, dating, advice, funny, valentine's day 2013

Write your own comment!