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The Seven Kinds of New Kid

The Seven Kinds of New Kid

By Melissa Albert

Hey, look! It's a NEW KID! New kids have so much potential. They come from afar. They have no idea that you wore a bathing suit as a shirt in middle school, or that you once gave your gym teacher a valentine. Will they turn out to be a friend? An enemy? A person you only talk to when you need to borrow a pencil, or a person you will one day make out with at a Game of Thrones theme party? The best thing about a new kid is that anything's possible. Here are some of the many varieties of new kid you might encounter this year:

The quarry. This person will be your new best friend, even if they don't know it yet. Clearly they come from a more fashionable high school: look at their shoes! Look at that book they're reading! Look at that patch on their bag! Note to self: buy the same patch immediately, so that tomorrow you can feign surprise about the amazing coincidence, then be best friends forever.

The enigma. This person knows nobody and should be grateful for any friendly attention they can get. Instead, they glide though the halls on their own, seemingly in need of neither friends nor directions. They politely rebuff your attempts to socialize, and one day are simply not there anymore. Six months later, you receive a 90-page letter from a Kansas state prison. Turns out they had a crush on you.

The social climber. Somehow, by the end of her second day in town, this girl will have seamlessly entered the upper ranks of your school's social structure. By Wednesday she'll have renamed the school mascot, and by Thursday she'll be president of student council. On Friday she'll be crowned prom queen, despite the fact that prom is months away.

The snob. Um, what did you say? Your school has a really decent art department and/or lacrosse team? I'm sorry, but did this person mention that they went to school in New York/Seattle/Baltimore/other place that is waaaay cooler than this crap factory their parents just dragged them to? Don't worry, this newbie will soon be out of your way, having joined together with a few other too-good-to-live misfits. They'll bond over how much they want to move to Prague after graduation, because everything is cooler in Prague.

The Bella Swan. Using the power of zero personality combined with a blandly pretty face, this girl will have ten guys drooling over her within days of her arrival. Though you'll never actually hear her make a joke, she'll have the unearned reputation of being really funny.

The crush. On a scale of 1–10, this guy is a "wha?," because rating people by numbers is gross. But the very fact of his newness makes him shine like an undiscovered diamond amid all the now-predictable guys you'd already crushed on and gotten over by winter break. For the next two weeks, flirting with this guy will become everyone's favorite extracurricular.

The undercover cop. This person is easily identified by their highly unconvincing banter ("Hello, g-dogs. Does anyone know where I can score some illegal drugs?") and their teen-like style (One Direction T-shirt carefully tucked into ironed Levi's). Alternatively, they'll look like this.

Have you ever been the new kid? Are you staring at the back of a new kid's head RIGHT NOW? Go make friends with him! GO!

Topics: Life
Tags: high school, funny things, making friends, meeting people, new kids

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.