1. Your breath is like an onion field that got set on fire and put out with spoiled milk.
2. Pop quiz: Who is getting dumped right now?
3. We're a terrible couple—like peanut butter and petroleum jelly.
4. This relationship is like an episode of The Big Bang Theory: only a couple of jokes are funny and at least one person is awkward all the time.
5. Dating you has been like joining a cult, except when I was in a cult I felt connected to someone.
6. I'm cheating on you. Wait! I meant, I don’t like you.
7. I'm sorry, but you're just not tall enough for me. I kinda like going on the rides…
8. Look at it this way: the heart has four chambers. At most, I'm only breaking one. You have three more chances to find someone who likes you!
9. This just isn't working out. I thought I'd like being with another geek until I realized I'm not one.
10. Loving you is like a delicious, red apple. And I'm allergic to apples.
11. You – Me = Zero.
12. Honestly, I thought the world would end last December 21st. I'm surprised humanity made it this far, but this relationship has not.
13. You're like trigonometry: hard to figure out and completely unnecessary.
14. I get the feeling my parents set us up to torture me into being a better person.
15. If our relationship were a period in history, it'd be The Great Depression.
16. It's not you, it's me. And by that I mean me dumping you.
17. Game over.