According to my invisible best friend "Ravioli Steve," January is the preeminent season for new love. With everyone still basking in their New Year's Resolution glow and Valentine's Day beginning to circle like a blood-thirsty, heart-shaped shark, the time to act on your crush is NOW. Here are 5 ways to hit on your crush this winter.
The Hand Hold
Winter’s the optimal time to attempt a hand hold. Use the pretense of pretending to warm your crush’s hand and then… well... that’s actually it. You’re holding hands. Let the hand hold linger, and if your crush doesn’t respond with a “Why are you touching me, Toad?” then “Abra,” meet “Cadabra”—because you’re in LOVE. You’re holding hands, making plans, and practicing for a spot on the 2016 Doubles Olympic Kissing team. As always, I’ll be captain of The 2016 SINGLES Olympic Kissing Team which is a sad, sad, sad, SAD, team to watch.
The Hidden Agenda Group Email Invite
In an idea made popular by an old episode of How I Met Your Mother, create an activity secretly catered for you to spend some bonding time with your crush without technically asking them out. It’s the non-date-date. Is it a ploy that a self-respecting, confident adult should consider? No. Is it something I’ve done? Yes. Is it effective? Super Yes.
First, you email a group of friends about a group hangout. Anything you want. Movie night, bowling, ice cream social; whatever kids do these days. If the NYC subway is any indication, most kids spend their Friday night making snide remarks about my fun, hip sneakers THAT I JUST BOUGHT, YOU HOOLIGANS. Anyway, the goal is to incorporate your crush into a positive situation that makes you look good. Make sure to pre-email one or two trusted friends to guarantee that they’ll start the cycle of “Yes, that sounds fun-tastic” replies, making it easier for your crush to reply yes to the event. Also, don’t say the word “Fun-Tastic” around anyone you want to kiss.
Romantic Winter Activities: Building snowmen, sleigh riding, ice skating, hot chocolate dates.
Non-Romantic Winter Activities: Throwing compacted balls of SNOW at someone’s face. It’s called a snowball FIGHT for a reason, and they can escalate from cute to angry with one errant throw. Stick to a corncob pipe and a button nose.
Create an Ice Sculpture of your Crush
Even though I’ve never attempted to create an ice sculpture, I feel confident in saying that it’s not that difficult. Seriously, how hard can it be? It’s basically just drawing on ice, but instead of a pencil you use a chisel or a chain saw. You're talking to a guy who learned the entire alphabet by age 13. All of it. The whole gang. G, X, W, even that pesky little scamp know as P, so yeah, I think I can learn how to manipulate ice into a picture perfect portrait of my pretty little pumpkin. See that? MASTERED the letter P.
Take Advantage of Lowered Expectations
The impending emotional implosion known as Valentine's Day allows you to take advantage of a condition called "Lowered Seasonal Expectations," which is a subset of something I like to call "Musical Chairs Science." During musical chairs, you don't sit on a chair because you want to, you sit on a chair because the music stopped and it's the only chair left to sit on. Dating in the winter often follows this exact same principle. So what are you waiting for? Go play a game of musical chairs! Oh, and after that, go ask out your crush.
What’s your perfect winter date? Do you find snowmen to be a little too happy? And mittens... come on. Who are you trying to kid? We all know you're just a lazy version of a glove.