Most teachers are nice and helpful, but there are bad, awful, wretched, soulless, freaks of anger who are also allowed to teach. We’re not going to list teachers who commit real crimes, because we all know those teachers are terrible. Instead, here are the legal-yet-awful types of teachers dwelling in a classroom near you.
In order of least to most worst, they are....
100. Math teacher who leans over your desk to watch you calculate during a test. Back up, lurker! Math is hard enough without your coffee-smelling body hovering above.
99. Super happy Life Skills/Home Economics teacher who hands out candy instead of grades. Thanks for preparing us for the real world, Mary Poppins. Because of you, when we asked the scary man living in the car behind 7-11 if he’d like us to sew him a pizza-shaped pillow, he stabbed us in the shins.
98. Teacher who can’t remember names.
97. Teacher who tries to be cool by mentioning Justin Bieber and Hannah Montana.
96. Teacher who can’t handle technology and takes his frustration out on the young generation. Having a smartboard in your classroom can be a useful tool, until this guy tries to write on it with chalk. And when that doesn’t work, he’ll yell at you and explain how, “Cell phone Twitters will rot your brain.”
95. Study hall teacher who has something to prove.
94. Former teacher from the 1950s who retired and is now the world’s angriest substitute. He’s surprisingly strong for a 104-year-old.
93. Driver’s Ed teacher who makes you run errands while teaching you to drive. “OK. Now let’s just drive over to the dry cleaners. I need to run in real quick. While I’m in there, practice the windshield wipers.”
92. English teacher who fails to recognize that books written after 1890 can also be classified as literature.
91. Goofy science teacher who makes the same joke every week. “You know who was good at solving electrical mysteries? Sherlock Ohms!”
90. French teacher who would make you ask to use the restroom, in French, even if you were vomiting.
89. Algebra teacher who thinks algebra matters.
88. Health teacher who doesn’t understand what’s so funny.
87. Teacher who has a mysterious refrigerator in his room. What’s in there! What are you keeping cold!? And why is it locked?!
86. Drama teacher who wears 17 scarves.
85. Teacher with handwriting so awful that it looks like Dwarven Runes.
84. Biology teacher who doesn’t understand what’s so funny.
83. Gym teacher who thinks everyone should be able to run a mile without slowing down.
82. Art teacher who failed as an artist and takes her frustration out on you and your (pretty decent) 3-Point-Perspective drawing.
81. Any teacher who replies with, “I don’t know. Can you go to the bathroom?!”
80. Teacher who sides with the popular kids because he wants to be liked.
79. Teacher who expects you to be just like your older sibling.
78. English teacher who becomes visibly angry when he sees a sign in the grocery store that reads, “10 items or less,” and unleashes the anger on a student who doesn’t see the error.
77. Teacher who refuses to accept that he’s bald.
76. Teacher who cares more about her cat, dog, horse, or turtle than anything else in the world. You can find out more about her pet on her pet’s own web page that hasn’t been updated since 1998.
75. Teacher who just got engaged and won’t shut up about it.
74. Teacher who has a scar, and no one knows how he got it and everyone is too scared to ask.
73. Karate teacher who doesn’t know when to quit.
72. Teacher who flirts with another teacher even though both are married.
71. Teacher who assigns homework on the first day.
70. Teacher who assigns homework on the last day.
69. Teacher who thinks saying, “Settle down,” is the the way to stop all fights, fires, and food wars.
68. Teacher who makes you wait until she dismisses the class because, “The bell isn't in charge.”
67. Gym teacher who, for some reason, is also teaching music. Is that even legal? Do many orchestra conductors wear Under Armour? You sir, are a paradox.
66. Science teacher who talks with his back to the class and expects you to understand everything he says.
65. Teacher who hasn’t erased the board in nine months.
64. Chemistry teacher with a suspicious past.
63. Weepy piano teacher.
62. English teacher who assumes you can read an entire novel in a weekend.
61. Teacher who says, “Ahhh,” after every sip of coffee.
60. Teacher who has no friends her own age, and sadly considers you her best friend.
59. Spanish teacher who is really great at rolling his Rs, and thinks you should be able to do it just as well.
58. Clarinet teacher who calls you, “The squeaker.”
57. Teacher with a grading system so complex you need a ruler and map to make sense of it.
56. Teacher who yelled at you for something the entire class did.
55. New teacher who tries to be cool by bragging about college.
54. Teacher who thinks you’re going to wind up working at a fast food restaurant just because you didn’t know the name of the current Prime Minister of Canada.
53. Teacher who has seen Dead Poets Society and Freedom Writers too many times.
52. Substitute who actually cares. While it’s great that she wants to follow the lesson plan and teach the students how mass relates to gravity, it’s not going to happen. She should just play a YouTube video about egg drop contests and try not to cry as the students take control of the situation.
51. Tightrope teacher who expects too much from you on the first day.
50. Teacher who writes stupid inspirational quotes on the board every day. Here's a quote:
"Quotes are pretentious and easy." - Dan Bergstein
49. Teacher who decorates for every holiday, even Columbus Day, Earth Day, and Grandparent’s Day.
48. Teacher who smacks his lips while you're taking a test.
47. Math teacher who wears dress pants with black sneakers and white socks.
46. Teacher who doesn’t trust you with rubber bands.
45. Teacher who makes you late for lunch on pizza day.
44. Geography teacher who wasted his life teaching geography. Don’t mention Google Maps to him. Just don’t.
43. Shop teacher who stopped caring eight years ago.
42. Gym teacher who doesn’t want to hear about your broken ankle and swine flu. “Now grab a stick and play floor hockey! You can be the goalie, if you’re really sick.”
41. Teacher who thinks giving low grades will prepare you for college.
40. Teacher who had a fancy, high-paying job until the economy turned sour, and resents their current occupation.
39. Teacher who uses outdated sports analogies to explain things. Who the hell is George Brett?
38. English teacher who shows you movie versions of Shakespeare plays, but only the super-old, boring movies from the 1950s/60s.
37. Teacher who rewards correct answers with disgusting hard candy. Later in life, you’ll find yourself unable to answer anything correctly because you’ve been conditioned to receive a horrible treat if you’re correct.
36. Biology teacher who has a deer fetus in a jar of formaldehyde on the shelf. And the deer is looking at you.
35. Earth science teacher who says we’re all doomed so what’s the point.
34. Teacher who once taught someone who became famous.
33. Gym teacher who calls boys, “Ladies.”
32. Shop teacher who stopped caring sixteen years ago.
31. English teacher who once had a poem published in an unheard of poetry collection, and doesn’t understand why you’re not impressed.
30. Teacher who is friends with your family.
29. Substitute teacher who thinks everything is against the rules. “Did you just fold your paper lengthwise!? Go to the office! Now!”
28. Teacher who keeps scratching.
27. Teacher with a near-magical hearing ability.
26. Teacher who still quotes Napoleon Dynamite.
25. Teacher who assigned a huge project that required a lot of work and then forgets to collect it, and ends up giving everyone the same grade without even looking at the projects.
24. Teacher with a booger.
23. Art teacher who drinks too much coffee and is nervous all the time.
22. Any teacher who uses the phrase, “Sorry Charlie.” [Unless your name is actually Charlie.]
21. The teacher who assigns homework that can only be completed by using the special equipment in the classroom.
20. The teacher who begins a very difficult and important lesson plan the five minutes before Spring Break officially begins.
19. Teacher who used to be a student in that same school, and keeps telling stories about people you’ve never heard of.
18. Teacher who spends most of his career complaining about the School Board.
17. English teacher who explains irony, satire, and parody, but does so in the most uninteresting manner.
16. Math teacher who makes you solve a problem in front of the whole class, and if you stall, he says, “We’ll wait...” or, “Whenever you’re ready.”
15. Teacher whose classroom is a temporary trailer/modular classroom in the parking lot. And it’s January. And the heater is broken. This isn’t the teacher’s fault, but the teacher is the easiest to blame. So...
14. Teacher who thinks every teenage girl is pregnant.
13. Teacher who calls on you because your head is down.
12. Teacher who tries to encourage participation by asking inane questions that everyone can answer, but no one says anything. Such as, “And can anyone tell me how plants make food? What’s that called? Anyone? Plants? How do plants make food? Jason, do you know? How do plants make food? Sarah-Molly? Did I see a hand? No? Plants make food by....? Anyone have it? OK...it’s photosynthesis. Now, can anyone tell me how many eyes we have? How many eyes do we have? Jason, do you know? Eyes? How many? Sarah-Molly, did I see a hand? Eyes...? Rhymes with boo....Anyone?”
11. Old teacher who taught your parents.
10. Teacher who has three years left before retirement.
9. Teacher who fails anyone with an opposing opinion, even if that opinion has support from reputable sources.
8. Teacher who doesn’t stop jotting notes during your oral report.
7. Teacher who tricks you into learning by using fun, creative teaching methods.
6. Trigonometry teacher. Can you really trust someone who dedicated their life to trigonometry?
5. Teacher who’s always out of breath for no reason.
4. Teacher who uses a squeaky mechanical pencil.
3. Teacher who mumbles everything and grades harshly.
2. Paranoid teacher who suspects every student is in a gang, using drugs, and enriching uranium for the purposes of war.
1. Teacher who is extremely tough, mean, scary, and loud...until one day you realize he was probably the greatest teacher you ever had.
What’s the very worst type of teacher?