What We're Going To Do Now Women Can Serve Combat in Army
Women will be able to serve in a variety of combat roles in the US army that were previously closed off to them, following an announcement by Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta. I hear you ask: Why haven’t women been allowed to fight in infantry roles, yet? Well, because ladies are dainty and weak (they break bones more easily and are slower to build muscle mass), in the eyes of some, and could constitute a social challenge when placed into male units—Emoji flirtation alert!
Despite these issues, some of which are premised on sexist, outdated ideas of gender differences, women have been pushing for equality in the armed services since the 1970s, when the Equal Rights Amendment failed (mainly on the idea that it would place “daughters” in the way of gunfire). The response from an evolving society has been: Hey fellas, we can figure out how to pee out in the trenches, and we don’t think a male life is any less important than a female life on the battlefield. Also, we can do backflips and shoot bows like badasses.
Here at SparkLife, we welcome the change, not least because women have already been dying in Iraq and Afghanistan even in non-combat positions. Really, don’t hold the girls back as a favor, yo. Anywayzzz, we’re so excited about the things we can now do:
- Yell “YOU’RE out of order!” when the snack machine is broken.
- Get professionally paid to conquer ropes courses.
- Enjoy life as it was in Canada in 1989. Let’s all drink instant coffee and eat Jello casserole in celebration! (Canada first passed the Charter of Rights in 1982, paving the way for gender equality in the military and prompting a decline in the renaissance of perms.)
- Enjoy life as it was in Norway in 1995. Let’s all ride submarines and be socially progressive and enjoy a solid oil and gas sector! (Norway is responsible for the Kings of Convenience.)
- Enjoy life as it was in New Zealand in 2001. Let’s all eat lembas bread and take rides in trees! (New Zealand has no restrictions on the roles women can service in its armed forces. New Zealand has a town called Waikiwi, which is a great place to visit if you like Hawaiian-sounding names, but hate pineapple.)
- Finally put my pink Disney camo pants* to use.
- Yell “Fire in the hole!” when I eat a spicy burrito.
- Add a Whiz Freedom to my toolkit.
- Fly helicopters AND shoot guns, though maybe not at the same time, and, ya know, in a good way.
- Yell, “It’s loaded and I’s not afraid to use it!” when you’re handling printer cartridges, YouTube videos, empanadas, diapers and Twitter accounts.
- Wear our heels in the parade.
- Enjoy easier routes to promotion with the army, resulting in Increased representation of females at higher ranks and greater advocacy for WOMEN’S ISSUES, Y’ALL!
*Rewarded to me after I tried to enter Disneyworld’s Animal Kingdom dressed as Tinkerbell, and they escorted me to the gift shop to find me “civilian” clothes.
What do you think about women in combat, privates?