The women’s locker room is a land of legends. Guys are never allowed to know what occurs in that room of secrets, and if a girl ever reveals the truth, she will be sent to prison and her family will be given a new, better daughter.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t know what goes on in the women’s locker room. And because I’m not a creepy guy, I haven’t tried to access the locker room via miniature drone helicopter. The only things I know for sure are:
1. Women go in the locker room.
2. They leave the locker room.
3. Sometimes their hair is wet when they leave.
4. When the door opens, a blast of deodorant air hits your nose.
That said, it’s pretty easy to figure out what goes in on the locker room. Using deductive reasoning, educated speculation, context clues, logic, and good ol’ fashion detective work, here is what I presume happens in the women’s locker room.
And because I don’t want any of you to get in trouble, don’t tell me if I’m right or wrong. But you can nod once if I’m close to the truth, and honk your nose eight times if I’m 100% wrong.
First, everyone in the locker room is friendly and loves one another. Why would there be any cattiness or drama in a locker room? You’re all far too busy changing and showering to start any drama or have overly dramatic thoughts. Yep. Everyone in the locker room is best friends.
There is garden in the back where fresh fruits and vegetables are grown and harvested for locker room salad. Every woman is allowed to take two trips to the salad bar per day. Women love salad, so this is obvious.
The sinks not only provide hot and cold water, but delicious lemonade and dating advice.
After changing, women place their bras in the bra bin, a large barrel in the middle of the room. The bras are then sent through an oven to reactivate the bra molecules, making sure the bras remain bra-y enough for the rest of the day. The fresh bras are then dipped in mixture of rose petals and pearls before being placed on silver trays. If a bra loses one of its levers, it can be fixed by the bra technician.
Before working out, all the women gather in a circle and, using their telepathy, decide who is the hottest guy in Magic Mike.
Women place their shoes on tiny platforms and while the women work out or play a sport, Princess Fairy Winker-Shine (a.k.a. the janitor) fills the shoes with chocolate treats and charms.
Instead of towels, women use a special, extra soft, violin bow to dry themselves, the vibrations of which make beautiful, quiet songs that sounds like Beethoven mixed with Justin Timberlake and a springtime waterfall.
The floor is warm thanks to the body heat of all the baby rabbits hopping freely.
As any guy knows, it’s rude to discuss sex and relationship in the locker room, so instead most women choose to discuss poetry and theories regarding where all the rabbits came from.
The cake is usually vanilla-spice with cream cheese icing.
If a woman accidentally runs out of shampoo, she can wash her hair with the free lotion that’s made of elegant soap and infused with the music of Adele.
Everyone has only great, complimentary things to say about boys.
When taking a shower, everyone uses a frilly parasol so as not to get too wet. There’s only one thing women like more than salad, and that’s parasols. Fact! The parasols also prevent their tea from getting rained on.
Before leaving, you can take either a gift basket filled with sentimental items and photos from your childhood, or a handmade pencil case filled with handmade M&Ms.
And there's a pinball machine.
Does Dan now know all the secrets?