Dating is hard, what with the necessity of making conversation while trying not to choke on your own spit. While we can’t tell you what you should say on a date (possessing and distributing such knowledge is highly illegal), we can give you some pointers as to what you should avoid. Read on, Casanova, and prepare to become the smoothest cat on the block.
Do not say:
1. “You don’t mind if I put my parents on speakerphone, do you? Here, say 'hi' to my dad. No, louder. Louder. Wow, too loud! Are you trying to deafen the man?!”
2. “Wait, so you don’t have Elephantitis? Really? I could’ve sworn…”
3. “My friends call me Ted. But you can call me Mr. Sykowski. Let’s keep things formal for now.”
4. “Has anyone ever told you that you bear a startling resemblance to Danny DeVito?”
5. “Don’t look now, but I’m 98.9 percent sure that my parole officer just walked in. Make that 99.9 percent.”
6. “Dude, you’ve got a HUGE piece of lettuce in your teeth. Here, use my fork to dig that sucker out.”
7. “My mom’s psychic is prettttty sure we’re gonna get married.”
8. “Wow, that’s your 7th glass of water. Slow your roll, Camel Man."
9. “Hey, gimme your breadstick. I wanna chuck it at that baby over there.”
10. “Man, I guess those 3 burritos were a bad idea. Should we move this date to the bathroom?”
11. “I’m sorry, are you actually saying that you think vampires aren’t REAL?!? Wow. Just, wow.”
12. “Tell me honestly: How terrible do I smell right now?”
13. “Listening to you talk reminds me a lot of slogging through the hellish backwoods of Mississippi, in that it makes me uncomfortable and I hate it.”
14. “Now that I think of it, you remind me a lot of my dog. He has rabies. And he’s dangerously overweight.”
15. “How would you feel about loaning me 20 grand?”
16. “Give me your cellphone so I can take a picture of myself and save it into your contacts as ‘SOULMATE.’”
17. “So then I said, ‘How DARE you brush up against my jacket?!?’ And I stabbed him in the face.”
18. “You like my watch? I’ll sell it to you for sixty bucks. ”
19. “How would you feel about some aggressive footsie action right about now? That was a rhetorical question.”
20. “Well, I wouldn’t say that I was wrongfully imprisoned. But the imprisoned part, sure. That sounds accurate.”
Have you ever said anything stupid on a date? We definitely want to know what it was.
PS. This post is an encore presentation from back in the day, before Chelsea Dagger was a Sparkitor! If you recognize it from 2009, you are a hardcore, true-blue Sparkler who probably possesses a photographic memory. We will be sending you your Veteran's Trophy (it's made entirely of Cheez-its bonded together by Chelsea's sweat) shortly.