The Problem With Everything
Do you get the feeling that everything is wrong in the world? But finding the specific problem (or problems) can be difficult. Where do you start? We know the world needs fixing, but what, exactly, are the issues.
We rounded up the problem with everything.
1. There are no jetpacks. It’s 2013 and there are no jetpacks, at least not the cool bullet-shaped, rocket-kind. We also don’t have affordable flying cars or teleporters. And where’s my magic food pill that tastes like meatloaf dinner?!
How to Fix It: Scientists need to step up and invent the products we were promised!
2. Stupid people have just as much internet access as regular people.
How to Fix It: Before logging on to a computer, you must first answer a general knowledge question or correctly identify sarcasm.
3. Movies are too long. Some of us need to use the bathroom! It’s great that filmmakers have such wonderful ideas, but consider this: Raiders of the Lost Ark is only 115 well-edited minutes and it contains more story and adventure than today's bloated films.
How to Fix It: If a movie is over 2 hours, it must contain a chase scene between a dragon and helicopter.
4. All zoos are the same. If you’ve been to one zoo, you’ve been to them all. Sure, some zoos might have slightly different kinds of apes or lizards or pretzels, but don’t waste your time visiting every zoo in the country. It’s not worth it.
How to Fix It: Lose, or at least loosen, the cages and let Mother Nature do what she does best. Also, clone dinosaurs.
5. Too many books about a young girl going to a new school; not enough books about tarantula ghosts that possess seemingly nice piano teachers.
How to Fix It: Publishers must return my calls and take my manuscript for “Pia-NOOOOO!” seriously.
6. Everyone is calling people from the bus, movie theater, train, line at the coffee shop, or car. Why do people feel the need to use their phone and say, “Hey, I’m on the bus now.”? Are they bragging? Are they under house arrest? Are they checking in with some secret spy command center? Checking in with your parents is fine, but you don’t need to tell Stacy or your art teacher that you’re standing in line. It really isn’t a big deal.
How to Fix It: Here’s an idea: Have a secret adventure during which you don’t check in with 7 million people every three minutes.
7. People have different political and religious ideas. We all know that when it comes to politics and religion, I am 100% correct and if you disagree, you are wrong and when you die you’ll go to Purple Hell, which is the 77th worst hell and is governed by the Crocodile-Devils...according to my beliefs...which are correct. And listening to any other idea will only send you to hell #183-J.
How to Fix It: Agree with me. (If you can’t detect the sarcasm in this item then you shouldn’t be on the computer. See item 2.)
8. Girls claimed unicorns for themselves. A guy can’t wear a unicorn shirt without getting odd looks. It’s not fair. These warrior horses should be gender-neutral. It’s 2013. Wake up, people!
How to Fix It: We’ll make a gender trade. Girls can have monster trucks. Boys get unicorns. And we trade back every 6 years.
9. People are sick, and still feel the need to touch you and talk to you. Come on! We have technology! Use your texting-words to tell me how you’re feeling. And stay home. There’s no need to send a hurricane of mucus towards my face every time you speak.
How to Fix It: Cover your mouth with bricks.
10. Secret passages are either nonexistent or too difficult to find. I spent much of my life tilting books and candelabras looking for secret passages. So far, I’ve only found spiders (not the heroic kind) and dust.
How to Fix It: Never give up! They’re out there, and they’re filled with treasure and adventure.
11. Weather. Surely what we lack in jetpack technology should be offset by our ability to control weather. Right? Wrong. It’s 2013 and while we can, sort of, make it rain, we still can’t make it stop raining. And we have yet to harness and wrangle tornados to the point where it’s safe and fun to ride them.
How to Fix It: Wizards.
12. Puppies and kittens grow up and sometimes smell awful. And they poop.
How to Fix It: Use your next birthday wish on an “Odorless Infinity Puppy.”
13. Traffic. It almost makes you long for the days of horses and boats.
How to Fix It: Jetpacks. Until then, when the traffic light turns green, if everyone pressed their accelerators at the same time, and with the same amount of force, we would all move forward as one unit, like a school of fish. There would be less slow down, no fender-benders, and we’d all get to our destinations swiftly.
14. Mean people are mean. The world is filled with angry, miserable, rotten, trolls.
How to Fix It: Understand that when a person says or does something that makes you feel awful, it’s because that person has difficulty communicating their feelings. With an open dialogue, the two of you can better express how you feel. And then kick the jerk in the eye. That’ll teach ‘em!
15. No one bought me inline skates. How the hell am I supposed to launch off sick ramps and impress onlookers? How!?
How to Fix It: Buy me inline skates. Size 11. Orange ones.
16. There’s no word after three in the sequence of once, twice, thrice. When you only do something four times, such as seeing Les Miserables or eating found sandwiches, you need a way to say it. Saying, “I only ate found sandwiches four times,” is a waste of your time and the doctor’s time. We need more number words, so you can say, “I ate found sandwiches _____.”
How to Fix It: Fourice! That works, right? But then what about doing something five times? Or twelve?
17. Peaches have pits. While delicious, eating a peach is like swimming in a pool with a poop in it. You try to avoid it, but soon or later it’ll end up in your face.
How to Fix It: Only eat bananas.
18. Robot butlers are too expensive.
How to Fix It: Win the lottery and hire Bill Gates to make one for you and Sir Anthony Hopkins to provide the voice.
19. We’re not allowed to tell everyone about the time-traveler that was found in the ocean last week and who is now imprisoned by the government in the CIA’s anti-time chamber. But one day the truth will be known! Help save the Time Woman!
How to Fix It: Burying notes in the ground for future people to find so that they can send heroes back in time and save the Time Woman!
20. There are other Starburst in the package besides Red and Pink. Red and Pink are the best. There’s no need for the others. Stop wasting our time, Starburst!
How to Fix It: War.
21. Morning is early. Morning would be so much better if it started at 11am or even 10:30.
How to Fix It: Save the Time Woman. She can help.
Did we miss anything?