7 more mostly unhelpful tips! HORRAY!
1. How to fail an exam… in style.
Fortunately I have never actually failed an exam (you may now applaud) however that doesn’t mean I haven’t got a few ideas about how to fail… in style.
(Disclaimer – this tip will probably ruin your life. So yeah, just keep that in mind.)
A) If it is a chemistry exam, answer every question with a chemistry pun. (If you don’t get credit, the world is a terrible place.)
B) Try out your best pick-up lines on the instructor/invigilator.
C) Attempt to start a Mexican wave.
D) Answer questions in an English exam in French. (and vice versa.)
E) Pretend your calculator is a mobile phone. Start talking to your parents, telling them the exam is going well.
F) Order pizza and get it delivered to the exam hall.
G) As soon as the exam is handed to you, eat it. (bring knife and fork for extra effect)
H) Bring a large idol and occasionally pray to it.
2. There are many misconceptions in this world.
Yes, there are even more (interesting ones) than I went over last time. And if anyone’s interested, there’s a lovely Wikipedia article on this very topic. Unless you are a Wikipedia hater; in that case you do not rank very highly in the list of my favourite people in the world ever. (The kindest insult I’ve ever written.)
A) People do not swallow eight spiders a year in their sleep. (Good news Arachnophobes, you may now sleep for the first time in probably years.)
B) Tomatoes are in fact fruits. I’m kidding, they’re actually vegetables. Sorry, typo, they’re fruits. That was my pet rock, Barney, trying to type again. They’re vegetables.
(Seriously though, botanically they’re vegetables. I trust this as I like the word ‘botanically.’
C) Eating carrots does not help you see in the dark. You’ll have to acquire your superhuman abilities in some other way, I’m afraid.
D) Dropping a penny from a tall building cannot kill someone. But with the way most of us treat pennies they’re probably going to get insanely jealous of the other coins soon and go on some sort of rampage. Be careful.
Reader challenge 1: Pick up a penny and give it a BIG HUG. Go on, don’t be shy.
3. How to avoid procrastination.
Chances are if you’re reading this you’re already pretty deep in the procrastination hole. That’s okay; I’ll give you some tips later.
4. BE POSITIVE!
I hope you’re having a good day and it is filled with rainbows and unicorns and ice cream and Nutella. You deserve to have a good day. Here’s how:
A) Smile more! Smiling is what happens when you aren’t sad or bored! This phenomenon is usually caused by kittens, trampolines, Nutella, bubble wrap, smelly stickers, Toy Story, cookie dough and posts like this. If you aren’t smiling at this point then bleh. Go and read Twilight.
B) A bad day is just a DAY. Tomorrow will most likely be better. If not, reread this post until good day is achieved.
C) There’s a chance you’re reading this on Christmas Day, so I just have to say – Merry Christmas! If it’s your birthday, Happy Birthday! If it’s a Wednesday think about all the pros of Wednesday’s. (Christmas 2013 is on a Wednesday!) If it’s not a Wednesday think about all the cons of Wednesday’s. (It’s not Friday.)
Reader challenge 2: Think of some more pros and cons of Wednesday’s. On my desk, Monday morning.
5. Go and see ‘Twilight’. Here is my review.
My Twilight Review - a.k.a sparkly vampires who love people who are not sparkly vampires.
I have no idea what Twilight is about so here is a story about my cat. The other day… wait, this is a boring story. Twilight is about a vampire called Edward Cullen (can’t believe I know that) who marries Bella (insert surname here) I think they might marry. Then they have sparkly vampire babies who suck their delicious blood and cause the death of their parents. No, that happens in the sequel. Twilight is about a light called “Twi” who goes on a magical adventure to find his kebab he dropped down the drainpipe.
Everyone makes fun of Twilight because vampires don’t sparkle and lights don’t eat kebabs. This is making me hungry.
Speaking of food, I like jam. Let’s talk about jam.
Jam is in fact, a food and can come in many different flavours such as strawberry, raspberry, orange, watermelon, chocolate, cranberry, papaya and peanut. Jam comes in a jar which can be very difficult to open, often resulting in the jar being thrown across the room, normally occasionally into someone’s face. Jam can, therefore, kill and you should be very cautious when approaching a jam jar, whatever flavo- uh oh can hear my owner coming
Reader Note – This entire tip was written by Barney the misbehaving pet rock who was on some very strong medication. My apologies, and I assure you Barney will be grounded, pun totally intended.
6. How to avoid/beat stress.
Bit of an obvious one but hey, you’re probably not even here to learn. (But if you are, congratulations, I hope this post has done well to broaden your intellectual capabilities.) So here’s how to beat stress. STRESS! RARRGHHH! (Capital letters are STRESSFUL.)
A) When revising, do not leave things to the last minute. Give yourself more time than you will likely need to finish your work. Allow time for procrastination and eating just because you’re bored.
B) Get comfortable while revising/doing homework. Everything seems easier in a comfortable chair.
C) When it all just gets too much scream “STRESS!” as loud as you can. This will help, somehow.
7. Take my short quiz to find out what type of person you are.
(What’s that? This doesn’t count as a tip? No need to get all technical about it.)
Question 1: Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
A) 100 duck-sized horses! This is already boring.
B) A horse sized duck! By the way I like your face. If your face was an octopus it would be a good octopus.
C) 100 horse sized ducks!
D) I don’t fight. I’m a pacifist.
E) I would fight both, at once, with my bare hands, wearing a blindfold, while juggling chainsaws, while solving a Rubik’s Cube. Then I would eat the chainsaws and send the Rubik’s cube into orbit.
Question 2: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A) Because it felt like it. Why must we question the chicken’s motives?
B) Because nobody else was. (It was a hipster chicken.)
C) 100 duck-sized horses! What? We already did that one? Oh. Well, it’s because…umm… probably should have read the question… microwave… something to do with microwaves.
D) It’s not important HOW, it’s important WHY. I would of course be there, helping the chicken across the road, protecting it from oncoming traffic.
E) To get to the gym to do some sweet sweet weight-lifting. Why else would you cross the road?
F) ice cream
Question 3: What do you do if you fall off a cliff?
A) Scream and wince, obviously. Gosh.
B) Look for something to grab, I guess. Great questions, by the way.
C) My favourite pasta dish? No, I’m lactose intolerant.
D) I would spend my final seconds looking back on the wonderful people I’ve met and all the things I’ve achieved in a deeply fulfilling life.
E) I would hit the ground and Earth would be pushed out of its orbit.
F) chocolate cake
And now for the results:
Picked mostly A’s : You are BORED. You don’t seem to appreciate my questions very much.
Picked mostly B’s : You are AWESOME. Not only can you correctly read questions but can answer them with (mostly) reasonable answers. INTERNET HIGH FIVE!
Picked mostly C’s: You are STUPID. You cannot read. Sorry to break it to you.
Picked mostly D’s: You are FRIENDLY. Congratulations, I guess.
Picked mostly E’s: You are MANLY. I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you.
Picked mostly F’s: You are HUNGRY. Go and get a snack, you poor soul.
Originally published on January 14, 2013.