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Quiz: Are You A Puppy Stalker?

Quiz: Are You A Puppy Stalker?

By Lisa Bernier

Only the soulless don't let out an "awwwww" when confronted with an adorable, fuzzy ball of canine babyhood. If you don't understand that floppy ears+wet nose+wagging tail=EEEEEEEK!! then clearly you're a heartless zombie. BUT, on the other end of the spectrum, there are those who take puppy adoration a bit too far, and become...PUPPY STALKERS. Take this quiz to see if you've crossed the line from regular dog-lover to restraining-order recipient.

1. When your friend sends you a link to a cute YouTube puppy video, you:

A) Delete it immediately. Stop spamming me, Beatrice!

B) Watch it, laugh, then post it on Facebook once.

C) Watch it, laugh, the post it on every social media account you have, and then put a screenshot of it on a billboard that you nail to the roof of your house so that even the Google Earthcam can document how much you love dogs.

D) Find the puppy in the video and dognap it.

2. If you see a 3-month old Jack Russell terrier puppy gamboling on the sidewalk, you:

A) Wish it were a cat, but then again, cats don't gambol because they're awesome. So you ignore it.

B) Coo "Sooo cuuuute!" and pet it.

C) Take a picture of it with your phone, and then blow it up, Photoshop yourself in the frame, and then print the picture out poster-size and hang it over your fireplace.

D) Pretend you're a squirrel so the puppy chases you and then dognap it.

3.  Whenever a holiday comes around, you:

A) Refuse to involve any canine in the celebration. It's about THE HUMANS!!!

B) Dress your dog in a adorable yet humiliating costume and take a picture so there will always be photographic evidence.

C) Take—erm, borrow—your neighbor Mrs. Turner's Newfoundland Darcy and dress him up as the Mr. Darcy, then re-enact the Elizabeth-Darcy first proposal scene of Pride and Prejudice with him. (His name is Darcy! What else are you supposed to do?!)

D) Go to your local pet store's Holiday Dog Costume Contest and dognap all the contestants using a clever scheme involving liver treats and squeaky tennis balls.

4. Your internet bookmarks include:

A) Your email log-in, Sparklife, and the Zombie Preparedness Guide by the CDC. Dogs? Um, why would you bookmark anything that involves smelly, shedding drool-machines?

B) Puppystream and Dog Framing (because Dog Shaming is soooo 2012)

C) Your computer won't let you bookmark sites anymore, because you've found every dog/puppy/canine website on the webs and your browser has gone on protest to save its data banks from furry overload

D) An electronic map that indicates the exact address of every dog on the planet, which you use to track the movements of every puppy on earth to further your plan of Dognapping Domination!

5. You've watched the movie Marley & Me:

A) Once, but it was by accident because you thought it was a comedy with Owen Wilson. You stopped it and then burned the DVD in a fiery bonfire of anger as soon as the dog came onscreen.

B) Twice. Okay, three times. Marley is just so cute! And it's so funny! And it made you cry!

C) Every. Single. Day.

D) You don't need to watch it because Marley is currently lying at your feet. He is your latest dognapping victim.

6. If you were to get a dog, it would be:

A) A lion. CATS RULE!!!!

B) You're not sure, but you would probably adopt from your local shelter to give a dog a second chance at a good home.

C) An Irish Wolfhound which you would name Pepper, then a Siberian Husky, then a mini-Dachshund to pop in your bag and take with you wherever you go. Plus, a terrier mix because, come on, they're just so huggable!

D) You don't GET dogs. You TAKE them, because they are all rightfully yours *insert maniacal cackle here*

7.  If you were an ironic T-shirt, your quippy slogan would be:

A) If Dogs Were People, They Wouldn't Be B/C Dogs Are Stupid and People Aren't

B) If the 5 Second Rule is Good Enough for My Dog, Then It's Good Enough for Me

C) I fail as a hipster because I LOVE DOGS AND I CAN'T BE IRONIC ABOUT IT!!!!

D) #1 Dognapper. No, seriously, for reals.

Answer Key

If you answered mostly As...

You're a soulless, dog-hating demon and we have nothing more to say to you.

If you answered mostly Bs...

Congrats! You're clearly a dog lover, but haven't stepped over the line into dog insanity. You smile at puppies on the street, you forward the latest cute meme, and someday you'll have a pup who you'll love and cherish...and who will love and cherish you back.

If you answered mostly Cs...

Sit down. This is an intervention. You know we all love you, but your borderline dog-stalking must stop! You need to go COLD TURKEY. NO MORE sitting in dog parks, especially when you don't have a dog! NO more posters. NO MORE PUPPY VIDEOS! And also, Mrs. Turner called to tell you to STAY AWAY from Darcy, and she's throwing away the puppy cam you installed over Darcy's bed, and she says that if you don't take down the webpage DacryLivestream.com immediately, she will not hesitate to sue you for all you're worth.

If you answered mostly Ds...

PUT THE PUPPY DOWN AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Are you a puppy stalker? I'm pretty puppy-obsessed, but I probably wouldn't ever resort to dognap...unless we're talking about Emily's dog Sparky, WHO I MUST OWN.

Topics: Life
Tags: puppies, quizzes, pets, dogs, stalkers, funny things, cute things, creepers

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