It’s cold. It’s colder than ice cream. It’s colder than the kitchen floor. It’s colder than Bruce Willis’ stare after you ask him if you can call him Brucie-Bruce. It’s cold. But, you should still be celebrating and here’s why...
1. You’re probably tired from dancing all night at the Inaugural Ball. Did you meet Katy Perry? Was she nice? Did Alicia Keys mention me?
2. Swatting is the hottest trend since planking, only it’s much more serious and illegal. If you want to prank a celebrity, you don’t need to break the law with phony 911 calls. Instead, raise your hand up in the air and say, “Hi five!” When the celebrity tries to slap your hand, deftly lower your hand while saying, “Too slow, Joe!” Then steal their wallet and jewels.
3. Some people are upset that First Lady Michelle Obama chose the same designer as last year to design her gown. I’d make a snarky comment about fashion, but I’m wearing the same Old Navy jeans I bought way back when Twitter was only known as a bird language.
4. This Tardis dress is better than yours.
5. Fight the flu by getting rest, drinking plenty of fluids, and bullying the flu germs by telling them that they weren’t invite to Jamie’s party because they’re fat.
6. Prince Harry admits to killing people while serving in the military and it’s causing controversy. OMG! I thought war was all about friendship and making delicious raspberry cupcakes! Now I just don’t know what to think...
7. Word of the Day: Dirt. Definition: Soft, tiny boulders. Example: Loam is just dirt.
8. Today you should redefine yourself. Also redefine the word “caboose” because that word could use an update.
9. Are you excited to see Warm Bodies, the zombie romance movie? Even if it’s good, how about after that movie, we all stop making zombie movies, books, TV shows, games, hats, shoes, pamphlets, nail polish, eye polish, albums, and cakes for about 15 years. Deal? Deal.
10. Why the hell are you wearing shorts? Do you know it’s winter? What are you trying to prove? Do you want your knees to freeze and lock into place for all time? Because that can happen. Happened to my friend’s cousin. True story.
11. The Australian Open tennis tournament is exciting. (If you like seeing the same people play against the same people that always play. Can we please get some new tennisers on the court?)
12. Craft Idea: Mix things up by turning an old bird feeder into a milk carton.
13. Will Taco Bell unleash a Cool Ranch Dorito taco? Of course they will. Why is this even a rumor? And it’s not shocking. At this point, Taco Bell could make a taco of steak and cake frosting and no one would be surprised.
14. Dating Advice of the Day: If a guy says, “I like you as a friend,” that’s your cue to stalk him into marriage. Works every time. You two are going to be so happy together! Yay!
15. Help is on the way! (But jealousy and a toothy cow are also on the way. Be aware.)
16. It’s the anniversary of this famous Apple commercial directed by Ridley Scott! This started the trend of big-budget, cool-looking commercials, so be thankful because without it, the Super Bowl would be unbearable.
17. Consider This: If you’re too scared or weak to climb a tree, plant a seed and stand over it, and let the tree do all the work.
18. Stay warm by brushing your teeth with cinnamon.
19. Russians found what could be a metal gear from 300 million years ago! Yep, aliens. Has to be. Or dinosaur mechanics.
20. When making your shoebox Valentine’s mailbox, remember that a pinch of glitter goes a long away and adding a live hamster is more trouble than it’s worth.
21. Dog of the Day: Fat ones!
22. Justin Bieber now has more Twitter followers than Lady Gaga. Maybe this will finally be his big break!
23. Joseph Gordon Levitt directed a movie called Don Jon’s Addiction. A movie star becoming a director? That’s just crazy!
24. Don’t have a date for prom? Take a puppet. Puppets (usually) get in for free and you’re guaranteed to get your photo in the yearbook.
25. Quick Poll!