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Terrible Places for a First Kiss

Terrible Places for a First Kiss

By RG Daniels

The Pizza Place – Globs of oil combined with garlic powder is not the perfect recipe for romance. Matter of fact, we're gonna go ahead and say it might be the worst recipe for a kiss. You can chomp on as much spearmint gum as humanly possible and it still won’t change the fact your mouth smells like Papa J's.

On a Roller Coaster – Roller coasters are fun. It's adrenaline and excitement and speed all wrapped in to one tidy package of "OMG!!!!" That's why we can't think of a moment where a kiss is squeezed into that equation. As your neck fights off the whiplash of loops and dips there's just no great opportunity to lean in and plant one. Even after the ride is over, we think it's best to let your face return to its natural color and let the body recover. A first kiss with a high probability of vomiting is not the kiss of a-thousand dreaming princesses.

Church – Quick quiz: What's more romantic than stained glass windows and the judgment of a Higher Power? The answer is…everything! The only kiss that should happen at church is the one on your wedding day. We're not saying churches are bad places to show your affection for someone. We just think it's not the greatest of venues to kick off that red-hot relationship with a special someone that has lips as soft as the clouds of Heaven.

Starbucks – There's nothing quite like a Soy Caramel Macchiato with A Shot of Espresso to help you study for that big history test coming up. And maybe that guy with eyes like sapphires is meeting up with you to help you cram. After a couple of drinks you start inching towards each other and this is where we advise you NOT to go in for the kiss. Aside from the fact that coffee makes your breath capable of peeling paint off houses, you're both loaded with caffeine making you more hyper than Boston terrier in a Milkbone factory. Slow down, pop a mint, and make plans for the weekend where you're breath is fresher and there's no risk of headbutting your date.

The Reptile House at the Zoo – True: zoos make great dates. Until you make it to The Reptile House. It's creepy and it smells like someone opened a bag of warm fish—probably 'cuz someone did to feed the gators. If you are still reading then we can't point out how much more of a terrible place this is for a first kiss.

Antarctica – Aside from how ridiculously freezing cold it is for a kiss, we must ask: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING IN ANTARCTICA?!?!

Topics: Life
Tags: kissing, horrible things, awkward situations, lists

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About the Author
RG Daniels

RG Daniels is a writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He likes ‘90s one-hit wonders, breakfast for dinner, and koala bears. He is currently on Level 163 in Candy Crush.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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