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Inauguration Speech, 2016

Inauguration Speech, 2016

By Dan_Bergstein

Today President Barack Obama will be sworn in as President and give a thoughtful speech about the future of our country. And, like all political speeches, it will be boring. When I’m elected President in 2016, the inauguration speech will be amazing. How do I know this? I already wrote it.

Below is the speech in its entirety.

My fellow Americans and Moon Colonists, thank you. I am humbled and honored to be here today, to stand before you as President of the United States of the America and the Southern Moon. I would also like to personally thank Senator Kristen Wiig and Police Chief Robocop for that wonderful and inspiring introduction. And I bestow a special thanks to National Poet Laureate Skrillex for those thoughtful words.

American is a great country, and during the next four years we will make it even better through hard work, dedication, and harnessing the power of giant magnetic moon worms.

Today marks the beginning of a new era! An era of prosperity! An era of ambition! An era of discovery! An era I’m hereby calling Magic O’Clock!

[APPLAUSE BREAK]

During Magic O’Clock, you will see our country and moon colonies grow into the realms our forefathers dreamed of when they wrote the Constitution or the Declaration of Independance, whichever one is better. These will be realms of civility. Realms of peace. And realms that are only for mean cats.

[APPLAUSE BREAK]

Achieving Magic O’clock won’t be easy. It will take work. It will take time and patience. It will take powerful, outlaw sorceresses. But Magic O’clock will happen! It begins now! [Tap watch]

[STUNNED SILENCE]

First, and foremost, I will send all of our tanks and most of our armed forces to the moon. The moon needs them more. I swear to you now, our hunt for the elusive, but totally real, magnetic moon worms will continue until we have all sixty-eight of them captured!

[APPLAUSE BREAK]

But despite my campaign slogan and tattoo, there is more to my presidency than moon worm hunting. My commitment to education is unbreakable. By year’s end, all schools will have updated computer equipment, textbooks, and make your own taco bars!

And the incentive program will ensure the greatness of our education system. Every student with an A average will receive either a puppy or snowboard. Those students with a B average get a worse pet, like maybe a fish or crab or something. If you get mostly C’s, then you don’t get anything. D students will be forced to wear warm, used underpants all year. And failing students will be tagged in unflattering photos on Facebook 2.

[PAUSE FOR CHEERS OF, “Here, here!”]

Ladies and gentlemen...it's Magic O'Clock! [Tap watch again]

My health care bill will spend billions of dollars to rename all the bones of the body after Star Wars characters. We will also work to get prescription-strength pancakes on the market. And if you win a fist fight, you get free healthcare, but if you lose, you have to pay $10 extra.

Ladies and gentlemen...it's Magic O'Clock! [Tap watch again]

[SHOUTS OF JOY]

I am appointing Neil deGrasse Tyson as Secretary of Discovery and by next year, I promise you, we will land an American on Narnia.

[YELPS OF APPROVAL]

According to the new Super Movie Bill, the American people will get one new Batman vs. The Avengers movie every year, and the movie should be 3 hours long. As part of the bill, I also get Joss Whedon’s phone number and I can call him to pitch awesome story ideas.

Ladies and gentlemen...it's Magic O'Clock! [Tap watch again]

[APPLAUSE BREAK]

My foreign policy is easy: If you’re mean, your name goes on the board. If your mean again, you get a check mark. Two checks means we go to war or you have to write an essay. (Handwritten. Spelling counts.)

Ladies and gentlemen...it's Magic O'Clock! [Tap watch again]

The Jetpack Initiative of 2017 will no longer be just a drawing in my notebook, but a reality! Already scientists, engineers, lawmakers, acrobats, and one lucky kid are hammering out the details. There will be a jetpack in every house! To help encourage this initiative, I am outlawing all cars, boats, and planes until jetpack technology is perfected. When that happens, you can have you boats and stuff back.

Ladies and gentlemen...it's Magic O'Clock! [Tap watch again]

I’m also going to give tax breaks to people named Gavin or Vanessa. No reason. Just seems like the right thing to do.

I look towards the future and I see a country of progress, a country of peace, and a country where tigers have been taught to use sign language. Look at your watch. It’s Magic O’Clock!

[SCREAM BREAK]

Many presidents before me have spoken words here that have since become famous, legendary quotes. And I shall do the same. Here are some quotes you should write down and use:

Don’t be afraid of things that are just bugs.

Anything is possible, even tiger sign language.

We’re going to win everything, all the time, for sure!

It's Magic O'clock, y'all!

Trees are just Earth’s boogers.

To be a good citizen means to have good thoughts about life and America.

Thank you. And now for our entertainment, ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for...Owl City feat. Rebecca Black and Psy!

[POSSIBLE VOMITING OF EXCITEMENT]

Topics: Life
Tags: news, politics, speech, funny, speeches, president, barack obama

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