There are so many reasons to celebrate this Monday that you will need extra party hats, party capes, and party shin guards. Here is why today is better than best.
1. It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day! This official holiday recognizes the work and dreams of Martin Luther King Jr., and while it’s easy to take a day off of school or work for granted, remember why this is a holiday. And get out of bed, lazy.
2. It’s inauguration day for President Barack Obama! Spoiler Alert: Due to legal stuff, he was already sworn in as president yesterday, in private. Use this information to score mega-points with your Social Studies teacher.
3. I finally saw The Hobbit! It was so good! The Rock Giants? Holy crap! I want an entire movie about Rock Giants! I want to know how they live, what they eat, do they have names? Are they mean? Can I be their friend? Can I be their best friend?
4. The Baltimore Ravens will face off against the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl!!! I’m picking the Ravens to win because “49ers” sounds like old math.
5. Use your day off of school to help the world by doing something nice or using your magic to summon ROCK GIANTS! (But only helpful Rock Giants.)
6. “Hey Dan, the Rock Giants are actually called Stone Giants, you awful jerk-jerk.” Oops. Sorry. I could go back and change Rock Giants to Stone Giants in the previous items, but if Steve Jobs taught us anything, it’s to always look ahead, never behind. So...that’s that.
7. Did you like that scene when the Stone Giants were all smashing each other?!? That was my favorite! I named the Stone Giants: Betty, Gotye, and Booooooomy.
8. If you don’t want to watch the Inauguration, here’s quick prediction of what will happen: The President will make a speech, everyone will comment on the First Lady’s dress, and reporters will talk about the temperature all day.
9. Your ancestors probably had superpowers, because scientist say a huge burst of Gamma-rays hit Earth during the 8th century!
10. Word of the Day: Somersault. Definition: The absolute worst way to spell summer salt. Example: “Pass the somersault, please,” wrote the amateur novelist.
11. Movie Review: Like a handshake from your crush, Silver Linings Playbook was OK but I expected more.
12. If your ears are cold, lean to the South, where temperatures are warmer.
13. Craft Idea: Use leftover skis as fence posts, and vice versa.
14. Rumor has it that Apple will release three new iPhones this year. Pff. That’s stupid. Those iPhones are super popular. There are, like, thousands of people who want them. They’ll need more than three. They’ll need hundreds, at least. That’s just poor planning.
15. Why are you still in bed!?! There’s great, wonderful things happening in the kitchen! You’re missing EVERYTHING!
16. Because all the politicians will be at the inauguration, today is the perfect time to take over your state and pass all kinds of great laws regarding money, cake, and barns. Do it! Hurry!
17. Misquoted Movie Quote of the Day: “Problems are what we have, Houston.”
18. It’s cold outside. Wear your hat, gloves, scarf, and magic power crystal.
19. Some folks reading this do not have today off from school today. To make the school day better, I’ll send around a kitten to those schools. His name is Pickle. This could take a while, because the kitten is slow and doesn’t listen to my instructions or understand Google Maps, so be patient.
20. The moon phase today: Waxing gibbous. Plan your evening and eyewear accordingly.
21. Inauguration has more U’s in it than you’d expect.
22. Congratulations! (You’ll know why between the hours of 2 and 8 today.)
23. Start your week off right by holding your hands on your hips whenever you speak.
24. Tip: To draw a turtle just draw a bowl filled with a salamander and invert it.
25. Quick Poll!