Regardless of whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, a bad breakup can be harder to get through than an all-day marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. And what’s even worse is finding yourself with the uncontrollable, inexplicable, and unrequited desire to reconnect with your ex. While we don’t have any wisdom to impart as to how you might actually achieve that goal, we can offer you some of the most atrocious (and in some instances, even illegal) approaches for rekindling a romance that’s exceeded its shelf life. The following gestures will pretty much guarantee that the only thing being taken out by your ex is a restraining order:
1. During the middle of the night, use a ladder to climb up to your ex’s bedroom window. Bring some portable speakers so you can play The Police song, Every Breath You Take” and mouth the lyrics while staring deep into his/her soul. Make sure not to blink.
2. Break into your ex’s locker and wallpaper the inside with pictures of the two of you together. If you don’t have any pictures together, just Photoshop yourself into candids of him/her that you secretly took during lunch by concealing your phone inside your salami sandwich.
3. Abduct and hold your ex hostage in your childhood tree house until he/she develops Stockholm syndrome. You’ll know that it’s time to rejoin civilization together when your ex verbalizes the need to be by your side for all of eternity and insists that he/she has no intention of pressing charges.
4. Steal your ex’s phone and add your picture to every single contact so that whenever someone calls, he/she will be forced to think of you.
5. Steal your ex’s phone and replace every phone number in his/her contacts with your own. When you get a call from him/her, pretend to be surprised, and insist that it must be fate.
6. Give your ex a cupcake with a piece of your chewed up gum hidden inside. After he/she finishes it, laugh maniacally and then explain that you’re now a part of him/her for roughly the next 7 years.
7. Corner your ex in the hallway, wave a coin on a string in front of his/her face, and repeat the command: “You will love me forever.” Don’t stop until your ex repeats the phrase back to you or starts to cry.
8. When your ex is changing in the locker room before gym class, ambush him/her by unleashing the elaborate flash mob that you arranged to the Clay Aiken song, Invisible. End it by having the mass of organized dancers spell out both of your initials along with the word “FOREVERRRR.” (And yes, there must be 4 "R"s.)
9. Sneak into your ex’s house when no one is home and take the right shoe to every pair that he/she owns. Line them all up in your bedroom and use your phone to take a photo of yourself with them. Send the picture to your ex with the caption: “You can end your search for the right one, BECAUSE YOUR "SOLE" MATE IS RIGHT HERE. GET IT?!”
10. Discreetly steal your ex’s dog, and then call him/her to say that you found the “lost” pup pacing around on your porch. When you drop by your ex’s house to return his beloved pet, tell him/her you think it’s a sign that Fido wants you two to be together. If he/she doesn’t buy it, say that you know for a fact this is true, because the dog told you so using telepathy.
Sparklers, please promise us that you will never, under any circumstances attempt any of the above in order to win back your ex. (Except the Clay Aiken one, because that one was awesome.) How do you cope with a bad breakup?