This will be the greatest day of the entire week. It’s already been decided. It’s out of our hands at this point. So the only thing to do is sit back, relax, and let this day hit you in the face like water playfully shot out of an elephant’s trunk.
1. It’s the 17th. The 17th is always an interesting day because it’s a prime number. And it’s really prime. It’s so prime that you can barely divide 17 by itself. Barely. That’s how prime it is. And its far less flashy than 13 or 5. I bet 17 is the secret king of prime numbers. To celebrate, let’s start using “prime” as an adjective for great or interesting things.
2. Happy birthday, Zooey Deschanel! You should shed the cute girl image and become an action movie star. Just a suggestion. I already wrote the script. It’s called, Knee Chomper 3: The Razor’s Maw! I figure we'll start with part three and work our way backwards. Is your email address Zooey_D@NewGirl.BigEyes.Elf? I assume it is and I’m usually right about these things.
3. It’s the anniversary of the first sitcom! It was called The Goldbergs and aired on January 17th, 1949. Though I’ve never seen an episode, I bet there was one story about the Goldbergs being locked in a basement or freezer or something. That kind of stuff always happens in old sitcoms. Everyone gets locked in stuff. Everyone.
4. Word of the Day: Prime. Definition: When something is both amazing and interesting. Example: The woman who could turn water into dogs was really prime.
5. Today you should rip your glasses off in a dramatic gesture and yell, “Ah-ha!” That’s how you’ll solve all mysteries. Trust me.
6. Let’s make one thing clear, and I choose hats. Let’s make clear hats. (Get the paint and meet me in the hat laboratory.)
7. I don’t fully understand the Manti Te’o hoax and I won’t understand it until Aaron Sorkin or Ben Affleck turn it into a movie. So let’s stop talking about it and start talking about things that matter: Is it too soon to eat Easter candy?
8. Everyone is pregnant! Kristen Bell is pregnant. Shakira is pregnant. Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Kate Middleton is pregnant. In 20 years, all these children should team up and fight crime...on the moon...where we will no doubt be living in 20 years.
9. It’s the birthday of animator Genndy Tartakovsky, who created Dexter’s Labratory and directed Hotel Transylvania. Plus, his named is Genndy, so that’s why he gets a shout out. Hi, Genndy!
10. Oh No: Scientist think shellfish can feel pain. The Upside: If they feel pain, that means they must also feel happiness! Let’s tell some jokes to some lobsters to make them feel better. (Meet me in the hat laboratory. Bring lobsters.)
11. Dating Advice of the Day: If you want a boy to like you, stare at him without blinking for three minutes and your magic eye powers will do the rest. (Humming helps.)
12. At this point, if your Christmas decorations are still up, you should add a cardboard Mt. Rushmore to them and call it “President’s Day Decorations.”
13. If your printer is out of ink, you are not responsible for finishing your homework. And when I’m Sheriff, that’ll be the law.
14. Consider This: What if ants can spin webs, but they don’t because they consider it rude?
15. Color of the Day: Neon brown.
16. Do you wonder why dynamite is abbreviated TNT? Go look it up. I can’t answer all your questions. You have a computer. Use it. Jeez.
17. Can you tell me why TNT is the abbreviation for dynamite? My internet isn’t working.
18. Wouldn’t it be weird if your mom’s sister was named TNT and she brewed tea? Auntie TNT tea!
19. Misquoted Movie Quote of the Day: “To infinity and more!”
20. Animals Learning to Use Stairs should be a TV show and I’d watch it.
21. There is something wonderful going on with your face today. Keep it up!
22. Did you like The Avengers? Was you favorite character Agent Coulson? That’s weird. But, whatever. If you have an extra $175 to burn, you can get this detailed Agent Coulson doll.
23. To remove frost from a car’s window, use your “feeling words.” Violence is only a last resort.
24. Recipe of the Day: Make angel food soup.
25. Quick Poll!