Tuesday is like Monday’s sarcastic kid sister who wears too much purple and listens to My Chemical Romance. That’s not a bad thing, but some folks hate Tuesdays for being so different. If you’re not sure how to feel about this day, here are 25 reasons why this Tuesday shall be long remembered.
1. You are amazing! You are talented! You are beautiful! You are covered inside and out with trillions of bacteria cells! All true.
2. It’s the anniversary of Wikipedia’s launch in 2001! Without it, your school reports would be less interesting and we wouldn’t know when rapper Pitbull was born.
3. Happy birthday, Pitbull. Take off those sunglasses. You’re inside. Don’t hide your beauty!
4. Dan Brown’s new novel will be released in May. Will it be a nail-biting thriller about clues and puzzles, or will it be a cookbook about making cake pops? We’ll just have to wait and see.
5. Cat of the Day: This amazing cat who can play the shell game!
6. Go ahead and start writing for National Novel Writing Month in November, you wretched, soulless cheater.
7. The fourth season of Merlin is out on DVD today. I haven’t watched the show, but it’s British and about magic, so it’s probably good, and you will probably yell at me for having never seen it. Sorry.
8. Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance enhancing drugs. My appreciation and respect for the sport of cycling is now gone, and I’ll focus on the unsullied and pure sports of baseball, football, and professional wrestling.
9. Word of the Day: Doug. Definition: This kid I went to school with. Example: Doug had a sweet remote controlled car but he refused to launch it off ramps because he was a wuss.
10. It’s Tree Planting Day in Egypt. If you live in America, you can still participate by planting a seed as deep as possible and hope it pops out on the other side of the planet.
11. Lumpy tablets might be the best piece of technology since ovens! The touch screen can lump up to create different shapes and keyboards. It’s like electronic jelly!
12. Dating Advice of the Day: Always date someone who names their scarf.
13. Recipe of the Day: Spice up any fruit salad by adding spice.
14. Today you should wear mismatched socks. You’ll know why when the time is right. (Burn this message after reading, for your own safety.)
15. Today you won’t have all your hair chewed off by curious opossums. Appreciate this.
16. Keeping your New Years Resolution is difficult. To stay motivated, give yourself rewards for sticking to it, like a new book or emeralds.
17. Here’s a poem I wrote just for you:
Ducks and Spiders
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
When Monty the Spider met Megan the Duck,
They both kind of smiled beside the red truck.
Monty was bashful, but charming and sweet.
And Megan was shy, as she looked at her feet.
Monty then said, with a twinkling eye,
“Grah argh gruph flurg mlurk grrreye?”
Then Megan flew fastly, and oh how she sneered.
Ducks don’t speak Spider, and spiders talk weird.
18. Today is the best day of the week until Thursday. Prepare your clothes accordingly. (Also, spoiler alert, Wednesday is going to be boring.)
19. Make today special by stopping a crime, any crime, from burglary to jaywalking.
20. Misquoted Movie Quote of the Day: “Frankly my dear, I don’t care.”
21. Consider This: Lifesavers candies don’t float. At all.
22. During class today, suddenly shout, “Pop Answer: The treaty of Versailles!” Your teacher will have to grade that response and you’ll get a thousand A’s this semester!
23. Cold? Generate body heat by running in place or generate mind heat by thinking about giant fractions.
24. You guys want to all chip in on a gift for the Kardashian baby? I’ll send around the card to sign. Keep it a secret! If Kim or Kanye is nearby, cover the card up. Don’t ruin the surprise!!!
25. Quick Poll!