Take a deep breath and prepare your brain for a mental Christmas: J.K. Rowling might be writing a Doctor Who short story!!! We’ll give you a minute to contemplate this awesome rumor. We should also point at the no official announcement has been made, so this could all be one big unfulfilled eyelash wish. But what if it isn’t? What if it actually happens? What would a Rowling-penned Doctor Who be like?
It would be like this.
1. The Doctor flirts with a feisty adventurer named Tina Snake-Hawk who is charming, smart, creative, and fun, but he ends up marrying a pile of brown socks he finds on the side of the road.
2. The Doctor would have to save the entire world, but in order to do so he’s going to need to collect 6 magic artifacts. And on the last page, we learn he also needs to collect 3 magical roots for no reason. And then it turns out that the Doctor is actually one of the magic artifacts! And then he has to die, and he comes back to life because that’s convenient. And there’s a prophecy! And one of the artifacts is the Elder Screwdriver! None of this makes sense if you stop to think about it, but while you’re reading it, you’ll think it’s the best story ever written.
3. The Tardis will be renamed the Skunk-Pimple Room of Time Shenanigans, and The Doctor is allowed to use the time machine if he wants to take more classes or he can use it to go back in time if he missed his favorite TV show, but he can’t use it to save lives. And no one even suggests it.
4. The Daleks, it turns out, aren’t evil at all and have been working to help The Doctor this whole time. They had a crush on The Doctor’s mom in middle school that went unrequited and because they can’t let go of the past, they became deranged monster-machines.
5. The Doctor’s name is revealed to be Oswald Laughgiggle and his friends are Timothy Mooncake and Hesperia Featherbucket. Hesperia loves books and her catchphrase is, “Reading is my dessert!”
6. The Doctor could easily save the entire world right away, but he needs the Magic Key of Power Magic. This old guy, Leroy Stumblepants, has the key but doesn’t give it to The Doctor because Leroy is a straight-up jerk. During the last few paragraphs, Leroy says, “Here’s that key that would have made everything easier.”
7. Everyone dies. Kind of.
8. And finally, the story ends with The Doctor teaching his son how to time travel. His son is named Staircase Pippi Clownnose Sonic Angel Fortinbras Cher G-g-g-gavin.
What would you expect to find in a Doctor Who story written by J.K. Rowling?