What a weekend we all had. The parties, the fights, the monkeys, the cops, the kisses, the rashes, the paint, the other paint...it sure was a wild time. Now it’s time to get back to business, but there are still plenty of reasons to be happy. Such as...
1. The Golden Globes were kind of great. Sure, the production was a wreck, some of the jokes were awful, and Anne Hathaway further proved she’s some sort of malfunctioning robot, but at least it was better than watching football.
2. Argo really is a great movie. You should see it. It’s smart, fast-paced, and what it lacks in Hobbits and Broadway singing, it makes up for with tense drama and goofy 1980s hairstyles.
3. Before he was an award-winning director and famous actor, Lil' Benny Affleck starred in the educational PBS show The Voyage of the Mimi. I had to watch that show in 5th grade, way back in the early 1990s. Ben taught me about whales, how to get drinking water from seawater, what to do if you get hypothermia, and so much more! Thank you, Ben. Thank you.
4. In Medieval Christianity, January 14th is the Feast of the Ass. So you can say Feast of the Ass all day today and not get in trouble. Feast of the Ass!
5. Today you could, and should, punctuate everything you say with a wink. [wink]
6. Set goals for yourself this week. For instance, between the two trees out back is worth 8 points, and under the piano bench is worth 12.
7. Feast of the Ass! Hahaha!
8. The NHL is back! The first games start this weekend! You stopped reading this, haven’t you? If you did, then you’re going to miss out because the next sentence is pretty awesome. Maybe dinosaurs didn’t become extinct, but instead became ninjas, and that’s why we can’t see them.
9. Sunday was No Pants Subway Ride day, a day for goofy people to ride around the subway without pants. It’s funny, but it’s no FEAST OF THE ASS!
10. Buy some guitar picks made from coins and your band will surely score a record deal. If you can’t afford the picks, make you own using a coin and your strength.
11. Word of the Day: Cloying. Definition: When something is good, but then you get too much of it and it becomes awful. Example: “The soup made of honey and brownie batter was cloying,” said Ronald as he karate chopped the robot’s head.
12. Health Alert: Due to the rampaging flu spreading across the country, please refrain from sharing oboe reeds with strangers until flu season is over, no matter how cool and sophisticated you think it looks.
13. Need a name for your new fish? The answer: Bucky.
14. Dog of the Day: This little puppy learning how to use stairs. Try not to squeal.
15. Today is National Bald Eagle Day. But it’s also the FEAST OF THE ASS!
16. Misquoted Movie Quote of the Day: “You’re going to need a bigger boat if you want to get Jaws!”
17. The royal baby of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be born in July...which is also when Harry Potter was born. Crazy, right?!?! No? Sorry. It’s been a long day.
18. Dating Advice of the Day: Guys hate girls who cough. Never cough. If you cough, your relationship will end. If you feel the need to cough, hold it, even if it hurts and causes irreparable lung damage. You want to find true love, don’t you? Also, don’t hiccup, sneeze, blink too often, or use gerunds. And you should only exhale an even amount of times during an hour. You don’t want to be rude.
19. Someone made a shot-for-shot remake of Toy Story using real toys. Say goodbye to your afternoon...
20. Why do you still have Christmas decorations up? You’re breaking, like, 80 laws. Feast of the Ass.
21. Surviving high school is tough, but made easier thanks to tacos.
22. No one noticed that you mispronounced “organism.” Relax.
23. Winter might not be the best time for all fruits and veggies, but kale and turnips are in season! Yay!
24. Don’t worry about the ghost you accidentally inhaled. When he’s ready to leave your body, he’ll leave. Panicking only scares him and then he might scratch your esophagus.
25. Quick Poll!