Truth time—I don't watch award shows. I always start out with the best intentions, but then I get bored. Not tonight, though. Not tonight. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey?! In the words of my bestie, "God, I wish they would be friends with us."
I feel like it's Take Your Daughter to Work Day and I'm watching my two mommies gettin' it done. Come swoon with me!
Ok, just tuned in! Matt Lauer and some lady who's not Katie Couric are interviewing Jay Leno, and when they ask him about Tina and Amy he says, "They're two of the funniest women I know." Um, thanks but no thanks, Jay. How about they're the two funniest people you know? Because it's true. They're certainly funnier than you.
I'm so excited! Everyone seems to like the fashions on the red carpet. I'll withhold my opinions until later.
Panning over the crowd! Robert Downey Jr. is sitting with Mel Gibson. Why was Mel invited? Was he in a movie? I need to get out more.
Heeeeere they commeeeee! Holy crap. Tina Fey looks like a beautiful mermaid. Amy looks like someone who is amazing in a gorg red dress.
Re: Kathryn Bigelow: "When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron." Amy Poehler drops this third-degree burn/joke and just stares into the camera. No apologies! No mercy! Comedy, you guys.
They briefly mention the debacle that was Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting the Oscars... and Anne looks like she's gonna cry. Stop it, Anne! Tina and Amy got your back. They're just messin'.
"Quentin Tarantino is here … the star of all my sexual nightmares." —Tina Fey, ladies and gentleman.
They got Daniel Day Lewis to laugh! This whole production is already a smashing success.
Best Supporting Actor in a Drama. I'm going to guess from the movie clips alone that Leo is going to win for Django Unchained. Let's see …OMG Tommy Lee Jones was in Lincoln?! I do love that guy. Winner: Christoph Waltz for Django. Well, I was half right. Kate Hudson is presenting the award and as always, she looks dope.
OH I remember why I hate awards shows! The speeches… are so…boring. Sweet, but boring. Christoph is thanking Leo—Leo's lips are pursed into a non-convincing smile. Leo, you were in Titanic. Give someone else a chance to shine.
Dennis Quaid? Looking REAL Botoxed. Best Lead Actress in a TV Show? Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey) forever. She's not there. Booo.
Lea Michelle is acting so hard in this L'Oreal commercial I feel like she's trying to win a Golden Globe for best hair.
Best TV Movie or Miniseries … Game Change! OMG Jonathan from Buffy/Doyle from Gilmore Girls is up there?! Was I asleep? He wrote it? Welp, just IMDB'd it … his name's Danny Strong and he's also writing Mockingjay. Holla!
Bring back Tina and Amy!
YES! They dressed Amy up and placed her in the audience as a fake nominee for Best Lead Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. I believe the faux movie was "Dog President"? That's what I heard, and that's what I'm sticking with. Julianne Moore won this one for her real portrayal of Sarah Palin, who is probably gnawing on a moose at home in Alaska all mad right now.
Weird commercial placement! Bladderbasics.com.
The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press blah blah blah is wearing what looks like a necktie made of crystals. And, aw. She just propositioned Bradley Cooper. Cute-gross!
Best Actor in a TV Series-Drama … Damian Lewis for Homeland. Wow, no one thought this guy was gonna win. He was sitting all the way in the cheap seats. It's ok, Jon Hamm. You're still a beautiful man.
Best TV Series-Drama. So, Paul Rudd is looking adorably confused right now. Oh, I think the teleprompter broke. WHAT, MAD MEN WASN'T NOMINATED?!?!?! Season 5 of Mad Men is one of the best seasons of television ever. Aaaand Claire Danes' cryface wins! The Homeland cast needs to get it together onstage. They're all milling around like it's a junior high school dance. Lots of spoilers in this speech—guess I won't be checking out Homeland anytime soon until I forget what I just heard.
I think Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a powder blue blazer. Can't be mad at her, ever.
John Goodman with real-life Tony Mendez from real-life Argo! Wow, Ben Affleck looks nothing like this guy. Tony didn't move close enough to the microphone and it's kind of heartwarming.
J Lo's doing her part by wearing a dress that kinda makes her look like she's naked. Oh, I think we're getting to the boring ones now. Best Original Score in a Motion Picture… I'm gonna guess John Williams will win. He composed all my favorite compositions—Harry Potter & Home Alone & Jurassic Park. But alas, some guy who's not John Williams wins.
Best Original Song in a Motion Picture. Keith Urban? Bon Jovi? Taylor Swift? Adele? Claude-Michel Schonberg? I was going to make a joke about how this sounds like my mom's CD collection, but then that last guy threw me off. Adele got it obviously because she can't NOT win awards for singing. Adele also just said she was "pissing her pants laughing" in her speech. She just won the Golden Globes. The whole thing. She won it all.
Whoa, neither Kiefer Sutherland nor Jessica Alba want to emote. Whoa, Tina Fey with a fake 'stache!! She, too, is being "nominated" for "Dog President." Kevin Costner wins for Hatfields and McCoys. Now, he's talking about his first Globes? Like, ever? This is depressing. He doesn't want to emote either, apparently.
Um… Bill Clinton? What's HE doing there?! Oh, he's intro-ing Lincoln.
Amy Poehler: "Wow, what a special guest. That was Hilary Clinton's husband!"
Tina Fey: "That was Bill Clinton! That was Bill Rodham Clinton!"
And here come Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig and they're both making funny faces. Let's just let all the best SNL people take over all these award shows. "Judi Dench—where did she come from?! She used to be a police officer." HAHA! They just cut to Tommy Lee Jones and he's not laughing but I think he's probably giggling on the inside! EVERYONE LOVES THE FUNNIES. Best Actress in a Comedy/Musical: Jennifer Lawrence. Good luck following those two with your speech, gurl. Her first line, "What does it say? 'I beat Meryl.'" Not a good reaction from the audience. I love you, Jennifer, and I know what you were trying to do…buuuut no dice. Also, she's not wearing a powder blue blazer. Maybe she was just cold earlier.
Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Miniseries or Comedy (um, they really shoved a lot into this one bag, huh.) And! Errrrybody's winning for Game Change. I didn't catch this dude's name.
Best Supporting Actress in a Drama … I really hope Anne's haircut was worth it … It WAS! She won! I'm going to refrain from talking about Les Miz but a friend recently did tell me that I certainly had a lot of opinions about it for someone who never saw the movie.
Helena Bonham Carter … looking like the most glamorous bag lady in the world. And I mean that with so much respect and admiration.
Best Screenplay Motion Picture…Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained. I get it. The commercials for this movie look awesome. All right, ole Crazy Eyes. Come get your trophy.
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. Based on title alone, I can't imagine a movie I want to see less.
Best Actor in a TV Series-Comedy or Musical … Don Cheadle. His wife looked way too shocked that he won. He's a great actor, madam!
Sly Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger are doing Best Foreign Film and are fighting over which of them speaks English worse. I think Sly did something to his face. It looks…lumpy.
Lea Michele DID make it here! She's presenting Best Actress in a Drama. And the winner is … Claire Danes' cryface. Claire's apparently won every time she's been nominated (four! times!) and just sorta bragged about it.
Sacha Baron Cohen is bringing out what looks like brandy? He also made Daniel Day Lewis laugh so this night is still a winner. Best Animated Feature Film: Brave! YAAH ginger heroines!
Jason Bateman just carried Aziz Ansari onstage! Daniel Day Lewis laughs for a third time! Best Actress in a TV Comedy...[pause. Amy Poehler is sitting on Clooney's lap]…Lena Dunham! I can't be mad that she took it from miladies Tina and Amy. She's adorable and dedicated her award for "every woman who feels like there's not a space for her." Ugh, love that.
Time for me to eat my weight in Ben & Jerry's. I hope someone wins an award while they're accidentally in the bathroom or something.
Tina & Amy are pretending to be drunk and they're bringing the house down. THIS IS A SMASH HIT.
Robert Downey Jr. is presenting the Cecil B. DeMille award to Jodie Foster. I feel like he, Mel Gibson, and Jodie Foster are either actually drunk or in on a joke that I don't get.
Did Jodie Foster come out of the closet already? She keeps acting like she's going to come out during this speech but I thought she already did? This speech is confusing but also badass. At least, I think it's mostly badass. You know what? Who cares what I think, she's been at this for like a billion years. Jodie, do whatever the hell you want.
Best Director! Ben Affleck! I'm proud of him. He's come so far since Bennifer. He is shaking. Don't forget to thank your wife! Don't forget to thank your wife! Ok, he did it. Whew.
Best TV Series-Comedy or Musical … Girls! Yay, Lena Dunham! Why'd they make her sit so far away from the stage?
It's official—I need to see more movies. Sorry. No. I need to see more films.
Christian Bale, PLEAAASE talk about Newsies. Nope. He won't do it.
Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical…Ok, I'm gonna take this moment to say I was really pleasantly surprised by Bradley Cooper's performance in Silver Linings Playbook…buuut the winner is Hugh Jackman. Obvi. He's only one in the whole damn musical movie who can actually sing. Sorry, here I go again having opinions about a movie I've never seen.
I'm panicking about how long this post is. Why are there multiple BladderBasics.com commercials?
Oh god, Jeremy Renner. Shave that mustache.
Best Motion Picture-Comedy or Musical. I'm nervous. Dustin Hoffman, don't keep me in suspense! Oh, Les Miz. Ok. Why do people hate Anne Hathaway? Well, she just jumped in front of the dude accepting the award because she forgot to thank people when she won. Annie, I like you, but you're not doing yourself any favors.
Hold the phone. The Cloons is on stage presenting Best Actress in a Drama. If I won this, I'd try to just pick up George Clooney and hold him like he was my trophy. Jessica Chastain wins for Zero Dark Thirty! Marion Cotillard is not amused.
Best Actor in a Drama…oh god…who's gonna win it…Daniel Day Lewis. Not shocked. I do NOT understand that whole Method thing. Wow, he made a joke! He also talks so slowly. I'm bored with this now.
(Pretend I'm Oprah) Jullliiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa Roberrrrrrrrrtssssssssssssssss! She's presenting Best Motion Picture-Drama. ARGO! I love watching Ben Affleck kiss Jennifer Garner when he wins stuff. So cute. All right, Ben. Make this quick because I'm tired. Wait, some guy who's not Ben is doing the speech. Whatever. Wrap it up. Wow, this guy almost forgot one of his daughters' names. Yikes.
Amy and Tina close it out by saying, "We're going home with Jodie Foster!" They are my idols.
Jillian Michaels is terrifying. Oh wait, yeah. It's over guys.
WE LOVE TINA AND AMY. That's pretty much what we learned from tonight's show. Did you watch? What'd you think? Do you agree with all the winners, or did some of your favorite actors/movies get robbed? Stay tuned for a full rundown of all the fabulous Golden Globe fashion later on today!!