Elodie Watches the Very Worst of Netflix Instant (Don't Try This At Home)
Winter break's coming to an end, and it's time for us all to crawl out of our Netflix stupors, put on some pants, and actually start contributing to society again. Some of us, however, are emerging from said stupor more scarred than others. Let's face it, Netflix Instant is always a bit of a gamble, and every now and then you're bound to happen across a dud. But there are duds, and then there are super-duds that actually transcend all movies you heretofore found unpleasant, leaving you feeling broken, empty, and slightly soiled.
These are a few of those super-duds. If you care at all for your sanity, or your heart, do not watch them. I BEG OF YOU.
Movie: Nine Dead
Plot: For the crime drama lovers among us, this sounds like a dream come true. Nine strangers are kidnapped by a psychopath and forced to figure out what connects them all. For every ten minutes that pass without them figuring it out, one of them takes a gunshot to the face. The whole thing seems more and more impossible when you realize half of them are seriously uncooperative and one doesn't even speak English. Interesting premise. Promising cast. What could go wrong?
Why it sucks: They spend each of those ten-minute increments acting like they have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, bickering about petty personal differences and hashing out issues like it's a family therapy session. Then they seem surprised when the killer upholds his end of the deal and kills one of them. You know, like he said he would. (Psychopathic revenge-seekers are renowned for their honesty.) By the end of the movie, I was frothing at the mouth out of sheer frustration.
Best Netflix review: "The ending ruins the entire film, like finding a dead cockroach at the bottom of your cereal bowl."
Movie: Grizzly Rage
Plot: I'm trying to find a way to describe this without making it sound stupid, so you guys won't judge me for watching it voluntarily. But I can't. You're right. I brought this on myself. All right, here it goes: four newly graduated kids fresh out of high school hit and kill a bear cub while off-roading in the woods like morons, and the nearby mother bear takes it rather poorly. She proceeds to embark on a murderous rampage apparently fueled by the inexhaustible fuel of bear revenge. She literally hunts them down and stalks them like a skeevy serial killer in a Criminal Minds episode. It's kind of like I Know What You Did Last Summer, but with more bears.
Why it sucks: I really need to justify myself here. I watched it, knowing full well that it looked terrible, because Tyler Hoechlin (Derek from Teen Wolf) is in it. But even Tyler's pretty face and rippling muscles couldn't fix this. Hell, I could have made a better movie, and that's coming from someone whose only filmmaking experience to date is a murder mystery filmed for French class, which had more character development and realistic blood splatter in eight minutes (and three of those were bloopers) than Grizzly Rage had during the entire hour and twenty minutes that I sat there rueing the day I let it take up space in my queue. By the end, my friend and I were making up our own plot twists in lieu of any actual ones from the movie. ("Plot twist: this is all a dream. The bear's dream," or "Plot twist: the bear is actually a werewolf and this is about to get awesome." Hint: it didn't.)
Best Netflix review: "I wanted to rate it zero but they made me choose one star."
Movie: The Last Airbender
Plot: *headdesk* *headdesk* You want the plot? Here's the plot: M. Night Shyamalan ruins a perfectly fantastic TV series with this catastrophe. And he might make another. It might never end. This might be our new reality. The real plot is that Aang is the Avatar and he has to master all four elements to defeat the Fire Nation in a tale of love, war, and everything in between. Not that you can tell from whatever this was that Shyamalan barfed into the world.
Why it sucks: I watched this thinking it couldn't possibly be as terrible as I remembered. I mean, that was almost three years ago. I've evolved. But no. No, no, no. It was every bit as awful as I remembered, and then some. I persisted in watching it, however; I thought to myself, "Think of the Sparklers, Elodie. The Sparklers." But I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, you guys. You don't mean that much to me. I'd go back into a burning building for you in a heartbeat, but I couldn't sit there while they pronounced "Sokka" like "soh-kah" for one more damn second. The best part of the movie was when I went to make cookies and I forgot I was watching it. When I returned, though, there was hell to pay. I maximized the window, and Netflix popped up, and it all came rushing back to me. I cried softly for a few minutes in the corner, then became enraged and threw a chair. Thank God the TV series is available on Netflix Instant. I had to watch a few of those to get the awful taste of cinematic treachery out of my mouth. If you haven't seen the original series, do it. Do it and you'll understand. Do it and you, too, will watch The Last Airbender out of morbid curiosity, and you, too, will throw chairs.
Best Netflix review: "I have tried 3 times to finish this movie and I still can't do it. This may be the worst movie I've ever not seen."
Wow, we sure can't wait to watch all of these gems! SIKE. (Do you hip cats still say "sike"?) Moving on...what's the worst movie you've ever streamed on Netflix?