How to Talk to Shy Guys
Reid, how do I stop listening to mainstream music and become a certified music snob? I do so want to be a hipster! Sadly, Taylor Swift is often on repeat in my iTunes. Don't say hammer to the head.
I can say “hammer to the head” as much as I want! Hammer to the head! Hammer to the head! Hammer to the head.
Anyway, music snobbery isn’t about what you like, it’s about pretentiously explaining why you like it. You don’t need to change what music you enjoy, after all, is that even really possible? Keep on listening, but explain your appreciation in convoluted, abstract ways. “I love Katy Perry, not because I genuinely like her, but because she taps into this faux eighties pop that borders on cliché but also parody.” “I love Miley Cyrus, mostly because you can hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ inspire a lot of the lyrics and melodies—I appreciate the Cyrus family sound.”
My cat is suffering from clinical depression. She hasn't moved out from under my couch in DAYS. How do I help her?
The first thing you need to recognize is that this depression is not your cat’s fault. Your cat does not deserve such sadness, and it did nothing to earn it. “Oh, you mean like how this is just a chemical imbalance?” Not at all. While that is one theory for depression, I prefer another: your cat is sad because another cat infected it with sadness. Sadness is a cat disease transferred among hosts by bites; it’s basically the same werewolf rules. This means that every sad cat thus owes its depression back to the original sad cat, the alpha-sad-feline. If you truly want to help your kitty, you must kill this cat, and I think you already know his name: Garfield.
Think about it—he hates Mondays, kicks the dog, sleeps all the time, and he’s been doing the same thing every week since 1978. This is far longer than a normal cat lives! Is it right to sacrifice the life of one cat for another? Is it any more right since the other cat is a star of book, television, and film? I can’t decide for you, but if you truly care about your cat’s emotional health, I know you’ll make the right decision.
How do you talk to cool, but shy guys?
Ideally, you need to get them to talk to you. There is certainly a way to approach a shy guy and start a conversation without making him feel intimidated, but this is very difficult. Instead, do something that garners their attention, piques their curiosity, and leaves them with no other option but to talk to you. As I see it, you have two options here: 1) wear a really cool shirt, or 2) transform into a bird.
“But Reid, where would I even find a really cool shirt?” I honestly have no idea. If I knew, I would tell you. Thankfully though, the bird option is actually quite simple. All you need to do is get bitten by another bird animagus. Bird-transforming is a transferable disease—it’s basically the same as werewolf rules. Then, once you get bitten, all you need to do is strut into school, stand in front of the cool shy boys, painfully contort your body into a bird, and get ready for all the conversation you can handle.
I suspect that my Polydactyl cat is magical, due to the fact that she has excess toes and recently bit off the toe of another of my cats, perhaps to add to her foot collection. How should I cope with my cat being a toe-stealing sorceress?
I’ve read your question a few times now, and I am now certain: your cat is not a cat. She never was a cat. What you currently own and give heartworm medication to is Malagato, a demon popular in Peruvian legend, also known as the Organ Lord.
I’m sure this is quite the shock. Go ahead and sit down for a while. Eat a nectarine. Give yourself a moment.
Think back on your time with this “cat.” Has it: spoken backwards Latin? Used a litter box? Meowed? Burst into malevolent flame? If she has done even just two of these, she must be Malagato. This spirit steals limbs and organs from other animals to manifest itself in physical form, which explains the extra toe, and the current toe stealing. However, your cat is far from the first demon of this kind. If you wish to stop it, you must destroy the first Malagato: Garfield. Take a look at Garfield circa 1978 and then look at him now—this is clearly a cat that has been swapping body parts with other cats! It’s basically the same as werewolf rules.
That’s it for this week! If you need any advice, leave your questions in the comments and I’ll answer them next week!