Hasbro is updating the classic Monopoly game by adding new pieces and asking fans to vote on which old game piece should be locked away forever. Voting takes place on their Facebook page and whichever classic piece has the lowest votes by February 5th will get the ax. You can see the new pieces here. While opinions are varied about this controversial move, here’s a rundown on the new pieces and our picks for the worst classic piece.
There’s a dog, so why not add a cat to the game? Seems like a no-brainer and cat fans can finally stop pretending there’s a feline hiding in the top hat.
The Diamond Ring
Clearly aimed at the more sophisticate players, the diamond ring piece is a nice touch. The only downside is that wily players will no doubt try to pawn off their piece for cold hard cash, resulting in anger and shouts of, “Let me see the rule book! Where does it say you can’t sell your piece!? WHERE!?!”
Lame. No one wants this piece. It’s not fun. It’s meant to be cool and hip but comes across as a sad and desperate. It’s like when your math teacher wears a baseball hat.
This is amazing! It’s better than the race car because it can (pretend) fly! Pick this one and you are a great person!
The Toy Robot
Wow. It’s tough to pick between the helicopter and the toy robot. Both are every layer of cool. Picking between the two is like trying to pick your favorite child or dinosaur. Don’t make us choose, Hasbro! Please let us play with two pieces!
But now comes the real issue: Picking which classic piece to eliminate from the game.
Here they are, from worst to best.
It’s only fun if you pretend it’s a spaceship, or you use it to iron your shirt between turns. Only sad people who have never truly lived open a Monopoly box and yell, “Iron! I want the iron!”
This is the piece your babysitter would pick so that you and your brother could have the good pieces. That said, it’s a funny piece and the world is a better place because it exists. So maybe we should keep it.
At least it’s actually a vehicle...of sorts.
It’s such a sad boot. Maybe it would be better as a sneaker or roller skate. The people who pick this piece obviously showed up late to game night.
Now we’re into the good pieces. The battleship is great but logical types will (and often do) argue that the ship belongs on water instead of the roads of Atlantic City. Of course, irons and thimbles aren’t exactly logical modes of transportation either, but by the time you bring this up, everyone is already crying.
The Scottie Dog
He’s adorable. If you get rid of him, you are a soulless person and you shouldn’t be playing Monopoly but a game called Algebra Vegetables.
The Race Car
Not only is it a fun, fast piece, but it’s also a palindrome!
The Top Hat
It’s so fancy! The top hat is pure sex. Playing as the top hat makes you feel elegant and lusty.